Sorry, Not Sorry - Guilt vs. Worth

One of the characteristics of a codependent is saying sorry too much.  Specifically, saying sorry for things that aren't our fault.  So, if we aren't saying or doing anything wrong, why do we apologize?

This is the challenge my therapist gave me for the next two weeks while she's on vacation.  And believe me, it's one of the hardest self-awareness tests so far for me.  I say I'm sorry ALL THE TIME.  For seemingly stupid reasons.  I work in retail now, so I have this conflict going on the inside between having to make the customer happy, but at the same time, should I really be apologizing for everything I'm apologizing for?  

And I think that's where self-awareness comes into play.  One of the reasons why codependents say I'm sorry so much is because our brains have been washed at some point to think that we are somehow responsible for other people's comfort, convenience and overall happiness.  In the retail world, this is kind of true, but I think to a point, it's not.  One of the things my therapist is working with me on is the fact that I am NOT, in fact, responsible for others' feelings when I am not doing or saying anything wrong to warrant any negativity.  So, for me, saying sorry has to do with predicting that whatever I am saying or doing (or being for that matter) at that moment is going to potentially cause the other person to be unhappy in some way.  It could be an inconvenience, a disappointment (like saying "no," which is very difficult, as well), or any negative emotional response really.  

A key word in all this that I believe the Holy Spirit is focusing on with me is the word "wrong."  I'm just not the kind of person that pushes people's buttons, period.  I have no desire to harm anyone in any way.  So, when I say I'm sorry for something that I do or say that is in no way, shape or form wrong, and the only reason why I am saying it is because I am trying to avoid that person's negative feelings and/or responses, then I am taking responsibility for how that person feels or responds.  Which, if I sit back and read that sentence again, it sounds utterly ridiculous because in all reality, people are going to feel and respond how they are going to feel and respond.  A person's actions are their own personal responsibility and our responses to those actions are also our own responsibility.  God did not buy into Eve's excuse that the serpent deceived her because she chose to believe his words over God's.  And God also did not buy into Adam's excuse that Eve talked him into it, because Adam also knew what God had said and chose to do the opposite, therefore, not believing God's truth in the matter.  

An emphasis on the word wrong would be intention and assumed wrong.  Say I bump into someone at the grocery store by accident.  Now, most people would say something like, "excuse me," or, "oh, I'm so sorry that I bumped into you."  And I believe the message behind the I'm sorry is that we are trying to tell the other person that it was an accident and that we are considerate of others.  This is a biblical attribute.  However, I think codependents take that attribute of being considerate of others and apply it in ways God never intended.  Again, it is something that has been washed into our brains by the enemy through abusive relationships, and I believe it starts with watching these dysfunctional relationships at work in our childhood.  It is one of the many, many ways the enemy twists and corrupts the Word of God, just like in the Garden of Eden.  Where the “I'm sorry” is not founded, is when we say that we are sorry for our own opinions, feelings, likes, dislikes, basically just being who we are and apologizing for it because we see ourselves as broken and flawed.  We place our value as a person below everyone else.  And Satan's lie behind this is that we are responsible for the negativity because if we were not so broken and flawed, there would be no negativity directed towards us at all.  

But John 15:18-25 says:

“If the world hates you, remember that it hated me first.  The world would love you as one of its own if you belonged to it, but you are no longer part of the world. I chose you to come out of the world, so it hates you.  Do you remember what I told you? ‘A slave is not greater than the master.’ Since they persecuted me, naturally they will persecute you. And if they had listened to me, they would listen to you.  They will do all this to you because of me, for they have rejected the one who sent me.  They would not be guilty if I had not come and spoken to them. But now they have no excuse for their sin.  Anyone who hates me also hates my Father.  If I hadn’t done such miraculous signs among them that no one else could do, they would not be guilty. But as it is, they have seen everything I did, yet they still hate me and my Father.  This fulfills what is written in their Scriptures: ‘They hated me without cause.’

If someone responds negatively towards me, without me doing or saying anything wrong towards them, it is not my fault.  It doesn't mean there is something wrong with me... it means there is something wrong with them.  Most of the time, when people react in a negative way unprovoked, it's because they are simply looking for an outlet for their own personal inner misery.  Where the assumed guilt comes in is where we falsely believe that it is wrong to be ourselves.  It is wrong to have our own views, feelings or preferences.  Say a friend likes vanilla ice cream, but doesn't like the taste of chocolate at all.  And you love chocolate.  Saying I'm sorry for having your own unique characteristics is like you apologizing to your friend for liking chocolate because she doesn't like it.  It becomes about your worth and not about wrongdoing.  You're apologizing for being who you are.  

Ephesians 2:10 says:  For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.  This includes our likes, dislikes, opinions - everything about who we are and what makes us tick.  

So, now when I say I'm sorry for something (or about to say it), I need to stop a second to think about why I'm saying it.  Even if it's after the fact (which is most of the time, honestly, at this point).  I believe the key first step in not saying it out of context is to be aware of the reason why.  If I can look back on a circumstance where I've apologized, figure out if it was out of actual guilt or my worth as a person, then I can better prepare myself for similar circumstances in the future.  My therapist suggested that I replace "I'm sorry" with "thank you for understanding."  I'm still not sure how I'm going to incorporate this in my everyday conversations and it sounds really, really weird to me right now.  But change doesn't feel normal either, and that's the point of this healing journey.

Instead of putting out the message "I'm sorry for being me," the new message is "thank you for understanding that I am who God created me to be."

Love in Christ and striving to confidently be,

Very Kimberly

Refined, Not Broken

I prayed one day that the Lord would allow me to see myself the way that He sees me.  I wanted to know who God says that I am on a deeper level.  And for years, I have looked at myself as being broken in many, many ways.

The word "Broken" in our carnal minds, means to lose its intended purpose — to be of no further use, garbage to be thrown away.  If you think about a toaster, and if it is broken and can no longer make toast, then it is no longer of any good use and its intended purpose is gone, and you throw it away.  But that's not how God sees our "brokenness."  God sees our assumed brokenness as "refinement."

The bible speaks about, as Christians, the burdens, trials and tribulations we face, God uses to refine us into the image of His Son.

1 Peter 1:7 says:  ...so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

How do I believe that I became broken?  Through trauma, unmet emotional needs, etc., etc.  These things have changed me, yes, but God has used those things that the enemy tried to use to destroy my faith, to make my faith that much stronger.  God used those things to begin shaping and molding me into the image of His Son.

The bible also speaks about His strength being manifested in our weaknesses.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says:  But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then am I strong.

Our greatest weaknesses can be our greatest strength in Christ.  Our greatest testimony of His grace.  The enemy knows this and he tries to use it against us to have us relying on our own personal strength, which never works and then he tells us we're failures, which further pushes his propaganda that our value comes from works rather than God.

So, back to the toaster thing.  What if that broken toaster was never really meant to be a toaster?  What if the person who designed the blueprints and patent for the toaster had something else in mind other than just making toast?

The bible says that ALL things work for our good because we love God and are "called according to His purpose."  Romans 8:28.  Also, in Philippians 1:6, it says: being confident in this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ.

We all have a God-given purpose in this life.  If we accept it, that purpose cannot be hindered.  If we are open and accepting of the Holy Spirit working in us to grow us spiritually, we cannot fail in that purpose, because it is God working through us and in us.  We cannot fail because God cannot fail.

The only thing that makes me appear broken is the world's viewpoint on my purpose.

But I am NOT broken... I am being refined.  And my purpose was designed before time.

Love in Christ and still striving to be,

Very Kimberly

Triggers

I want to share with you a particular codependent trait I have been struggling with recently.  The fear of rejection.  

Somewhere in the codependent's past, usually in childhood, there was a deep, emotionally scarring rejection.  One of the reasons why codependents try so hard to please people is because of this fear.  Rejection hurts. Some codependents never really experienced true unconditional love as a child.  Therefore, receiving love is based on making the other person happy.  Sometimes it's based on performance - whether you're a "good girl" or not, get good grades, how successful you are, etc.

For me, though, the origins of my codependency is a little complicated and unique (like me).  As a child of two parents with learning disabilities, I don't believe for one second that they ever meant to make me feel unloved, or not accepted just as I am.  I don't believe they ever meant to make me feel rejected.  However, because of their own past upbringings, and lack of support, in many ways, they did.  I do believe my parents loved me unconditionally — I just didn't feel unconditionally loved for various reasons growing up.  Codependents also have this habit of continuously finding themselves in abusive relationships.  It could be a romantic relationship, a relationship with a parent, friend, doesn't matter.  Because codependents give and give and give, we're like narcissist magnets, because they take and take and take.  And the more codependents try to avoid that feared rejection from their narcissist counterparts, the more we get ultimately rejected.  That's how they keep us on a string.  They make us feel just a little not rejected so we keep trying and keep giving that supply.

So, what makes me feel rejected?  Being different.  Being different makes me feel rejected, so for most of my life, I have tried to be like whichever person I happened to be around at the time.  This is where the chameleon part comes out, and again, I was very, very good at it.  The problem was, I wasn't being authentic.  Not only did I deny my identity in Christ, I allowed others to bully me into hiding it.  I couldn't be an effective witness for Jesus, if I wasn't being the person He created me to be.

And lately, the Lord has really been honing in on this aspect of my codependency.  As humans, we need connection with other humans.  The problem for me is that I'm struggling to make those connections as just me, because I am so different and my life circumstances are so different.  If I am around other people who are accepting, then I have an easier time being myself.  But if I'm not sure if that person is going to be accepting of me, especially when it comes to me being different, I have this kind of anxiety attack on the inside.  And I feel compelled to explain myself all the time, because I don't think they will understand, or worse, reject me.  

One of the ways that I am different is that I am a special needs mom.  My oldest daughter and my son (my youngest child) have autism.  

This past Sunday, I was very much looking forward to reconnecting to my church family.  I was looking forward to both the fellowship and the worship and practicing my faith.  However, my son was having some sensory issues as well as your typical "I don't feel like being here because I'm bored" issues.  So, I had to deal with these issues in the lobby and missed out on the first part of the service.  I felt compelled to explain to my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ what was going on because they wanted to help, but really, there wasn't anything anyone but me could do at that point.  

Now before I go any further, I just want to say that I do feel honored to be a special needs mom.  It is a mission and purpose God specifically gave to me; and he heavily equipped me for it by creating me through special needs parents.  It gave me an insight into my kids’ needs that I don't think a lot of parents have.  It also gives me an opportunity to help other parents of special needs kiddos by sharing those insights.  

But I'm going to be honest and confess.  I didn't FEEL honored at that moment.  It didn't FEEL like an opportunity.  I looked into that sanctuary and what I did feel was different.  So, my first instinctive, reflex emotional response was to feel isolated and alone because of my difference.  I wasn't angry with my son, I knew it wasn't his fault.  And the thing is, I also didn't feel rejected by my brothers and sisters in the church.  They were very understanding and compassionate about it all.  But that anxiety attack still came.  I even felt compelled to text a friend from church because my anxiety attack made me think that I was coming across as being short.  She reassured me that I wasn't and that she understood.  

But later on that night, as I was driving to the babysitters to pick up my son after work, I started to pray about it.  What I was feeling was so perplexing to me, I didn't really know what to say or where to start with it all. So, I asked the Holy Spirit to help me piece it together.  There was something that wasn't quite connecting in my brain.

Later that night, after my son had fallen asleep, I started trying to connect the dots, again, as to why I had this emotional response because logically, it made no sense.  The Holy Spirit had already begun explaining why I was feeling that way.  It was a reflex emotional response.  I don't like using the word "triggered," but I think it's pretty much the same thing.  Because I had felt rejected so many times for being different, it had become a reflex to emotionally respond that way, even though there was really no threat of being rejected at that moment.  But God wanted me to dig deeper into the “why” question, because there was another root, spiritual issue... a lie.  You see, with each rejection in my life, Satan used it to plant a lie in my mind and my heart.  And that lie was that if I was different, in any way, that meant that I didn't belong.  And in a way, it wasn't about anyone else rejecting me... it was about me rejecting myself.  

I heard a pastor on the radio the day before (not so coincidentally I believe) that spoke about how the body of Christ has many different parts and one part shouldn't compare itself to the other ones.  

1 Corinthians 12:14-27 says:

Yes, the body has many different parts, not just one part. If the foot says, “I am not a part of the body because I am not a hand,” that does not make it any less a part of the body.  And if the ear says, “I am not part of the body because I am not an eye,” would that make it any less a part of the body?  If the whole body were an eye, how would you hear? Or if your whole body were an ear, how would you smell anything?

But our bodies have many parts, and God has put each part just where he wants it.  How strange a body would be if it had only one part!  Yes, there are many parts, but only one body.  The eye can never say to the hand, “I don’t need you.” The head can’t say to the feet, “I don’t need you.”

In fact, some parts of the body that seem weakest and least important are actually the most necessary.  And the parts we regard as less honorable are those we clothe with the greatest care. So we carefully protect those parts that should not be seen, while the more honorable parts do not require this special care. So God has put the body together such that extra honor and care are given to those parts that have less dignity.  This makes for harmony among the members, so that all the members care for each other.  If one part suffers, all the parts suffer with it, and if one part is honored, all the parts are glad.

All of you together are Christ’s body, and each of you is a part of it.

We all have a part to play in this world today... Even me in all my "differentness."  

So, at the very core of my fear of rejection is this lie.  And I had to and have to continuously reject it.  Outwardly, speaking it out loud.  I reject this lie that I don't belong because I am different.  And each time I am faced with being different, I need to embrace that difference and believe God's truth about the matter, outwardly, speaking it out loud.  I am a part of the body of Christ.  God made me different because I have very unique purposes.  A navy seal is still a part of the navy, still part of the military.  They are trained differently, having to endure more challenging drills than regular naval officers, but it doesn't mean they don't belong.  They very much belong... and so do I.

Love in Christ and continuously striving to be,

Very Kimberly

My Story and the Purpose for this Blog

Hi there.  I'm Kimberly.  And I am a codependent.  I am currently in therapy for my codependency and, with the help of the Holy Spirit, recovering.  If you also struggle with this awful spirit, I invite you to take this journey with me.  

I asked Jesus to be the Lord of my life in 1989, when I was 14 years old.  At the time that I started writing these blog articles, I was forty-five years old.  I am a mother of two young ladies, a son, and an aunt/mom to my niece who is also a young adult now.  I'm currently separated from my husband who is a functioning alcoholic.  He is alcoholic husband No. 2.  My daughters' father was also a functioning alcoholic, though he hid it very well.  I'm also a breast cancer survivor.  

I had struggled with codependency issues for several years, pretty much my whole life.  And through my walk with the Lord, He has brought me to this breaking point where my codependency really needs to be addressed in order for me to grow and mature spiritually.  In order to go to the next level in my walk with the Lord.  Not to mention ever since cancer, I want so much to live... and live out God's purposes for my life.

But what exactly is codependency?  When I was in my early 20's working as a legal secretary and going to college at night, I took this psychology class.  I was awesome at it.  At that time in my life, I had a good job, an apartment, and my own car.  I considered myself to be very independent.  I had been raised by two parents who had learning disabilities, so I pretty much knew from a very early age how to take care of myself.  At least on the surface of life.

The textbook definition of codependency is:

a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (such as an addiction to alcohol or heroin).

broadly: dependence on the needs of or control by another.

This didn't sound like me at all at that time in my life.  However, if you dig deeper into the topic of codependency the above definition doesn't really define it accurately enough.  The above definition is what can be the result of a root problem, and the above definition also only gives one example of how this monster rears its ugly head.  

Codependency is the false belief that your identity, value, and self-worth comes from others and their acceptance of you.  It comes from a non-existent self-esteem.  If you are codependent, you have no self-esteem unless you have someone else's love, approval and acceptance.  Think "Pathological People Pleasing."  

But, how did I become codependent?  Well, in one of the books my therapist gave me, the author said that codependency comes from your emotional needs not being met in your childhood.  A child's identity, self-worth and value comes from their parents, or the person or people that raised them, adult family members, teachers, etc.  You can also become codependent if a parent is also codependent because you see and adopt the same false belief systems about self-worth.  My mom was a child of an abusive alcoholic mother.  She was also in the foster care system for most of her childhood.  Her emotional needs were never met when she was a child.  Alcoholic families tend to follow this pattern, and unfortunately, this destructive way of thinking gets passed down.  

Both of my parents also had learning disabilities.  They were considered "slow."  And though my parents were very loving and responsible parents — and they did the best that they could in their own personal circumstances — it was difficult for me to process the fact that I was somehow different.  My sister, who is five years younger than me, was considered "very slow."  And when she was diagnosed when I was around seven years old, my parents explained to me what being slow was (as they understood it)... and that I was "normal."  So, because I was different in my immediate family structure, where was my identity to be found?  I couldn't identify with them, because I was the normal one.  I wasn't slow like them.  And there was no emotional support therapies back then to help me process all of that as a child.  At school, I had attention problems.  I was a daydreamer.  And I had a very stern, non-empathetic teacher for first, second and fourth grade, who treated me as if I was slow.  So, if I was the smart one at home and the stupid one at school, where was my value and self-worth as a person coming from?  You get the picture.  My identity, self-worth, and value came from the acceptance and approval of others in my life.  I became a chameleon of sorts.  And because there were no health insurance programs for children of parents who worked back then (like what CHIP is today in Pennsylvania, for example), my parents were unable to get me the counseling that I needed.  I was a victim of the system back then, you might say.

With adolescence, came peer pressure to look a certain way, act a certain way.  At this point, I was an expert at it.  But I never felt good enough.  I could get compliments and my parents would say how proud they were of me and my accomplishments, but it just didn't seem to register deep enough to fill that void or feel true to me because I didn't know how to love and accept myself, nor did I fully understand exactly who I was in Christ and what my value was in Christ.  I knew Jesus loved me from Sunday School and church, but I never came to realize my true identity in Christ as a child of God.  

Also with adolescence and peer pressure, I thought having a boyfriend would give me value.  It never did.  But the pattern of seeking my own value through relationships and other people continued. Several boyfriends, some abusive, some neglectful, some whom I probably unknowingly chased away with my non-existent self-esteem, closet alcoholic husband No. 1, free falling alcoholic husband No. 2, later... I ended up at an all-time low in my life.  

Then, in the spring of 2018, I got the worst, most devastating news a woman could possibly get... I had breast cancer.  First found in one breast, then the other one.  They ran blood tests to see if I had any genetic markers since my paternal grandmother also had breast cancer.  I tested positive for BRCA1, which is the genetic marker for both breast and ovarian cancer.  This meant the best chance at survival was a double mastectomy and a special cocktail of chemotherapy for eight months, followed by a complete hysterectomy.  

But, see, here's the thing... that diagnosis actually brought me to a place with God where most of my inner healing began to take place.  That diagnosis changed my entire outlook on life and eternity, on people, on myself and my true purposes in this world.  That diagnosis made me realize that unless I did the work necessary to allow God to heal me on the inside, I was never going to survive what my thoughts and emotions were doing to my body on the outside.  And since I had been victimized for so many years by this demon called codependency, tearing me apart, piece by piece on a mental and spiritual level (which are connected, by the way), my body was affected because it is ALSO CONNECTED.  

But some people might say, "Yeah, well, you had the genetic marker.  You were going to get it anyway.  How do your thought patterns affect your body?"  I believe scientists and "experts" focus on the physical and neglect to consider that human beings are spiritual beings in physical form.  And our spirits, our minds and our bodies are connected.  I have a lot of the same traits as my mom and paternal grandmother, both good and bad. Generational curses or strongholds aren't some voo-doo a witch performed on your ancestor.  They are the false and destructive thought patterns that are contrary to the Word concerning our worth and God's divine will for our lives.  

Codependency is a mental health pandemic and it keeps Christians from experiencing true healing, and we miss out on what it truly means to live the abundant life in Christ.   

My hope is that there are other Christians out there who could be helped in their recovery from codependency by this living testimony of a blog.

Love in Christ and always striving to be...

Very Kimberly

Faith Casts out Sorrow - the Heart of Codependency

There was a question the Lord laid on my heart today.  If you are sorrowful, or sad, does that mean that you do not have faith?  And the answer is "no, but..."  Just because you are feeling sad, does not mean you do not have faith.  As a matter of fact, the presence of sorrow does not measure your faith at all. Only the author of your faith, God, can measure it and by the Holy Spirit, work a good work in you to perfect it.  The enemy can, and does, however, use the sorrows of this life as a snare to attack our faith, weakening it.  And as a daughter of the King, we Christian women need to sharpen our arrows on this point.  One way we can keep alert is to understand how the enemy uses sorrow to develop codependency, because in many ways, that is where it all starts.

I have been struggling with this question for a while now.  There have been very hard days where I think my heart is just grieving.  And in times past (pretty much every other time in my past), my first instinctive reaction to sorrow and heartbreak is to make the pain just stop.  And I started allowing the enemy to get in my head, because he was offering to "make it stop."  The only problem was, it was by way of sin and trying to make it stop by filling assumed voids in my heart by the approval and acceptance of others.  And because I could never please or satisfy anyone all the time, that same void kept coming up empty.  And ALL I WANTED was for the heart/soul pain to stop.  

But one day, I was having one of those sorrowful days.  At first, I couldn't even pinpoint exactly why.  It just felt like my heart and soul ached.  Just this deep, deep sorrow down on the inside.  It wasn't depression -- I've been there, done that.  Then I attributed it to just being physically overspent and tired.  Don't get me wrong, I was very physically, mentally and, therefore, emotionally tired.  But I think the Lord used it to show me that these hurts, these sorrows, need to be addressed.  I couldn't stuff them or ignore them.  I couldn't prioritize other busy-ness of being a single working mom again over the need for doing my part in my own healing and recovery.  So, I was sitting by myself praying and the tears just started flowing out.  And finally I said, "Lord, I know you work all things for my good.  I know you are still faithful.  I know you are in control.  But this still sucks.  This still hurts."  

In John, Chapter 11, we read the story of Jesus bringing Lazarus back from the dead, and I admit, I am very guilty of having the attitudes of Mary and Martha:

A man named Lazarus was sick. He lived in Bethany with his sisters, Mary and Martha. This is the Mary who later poured the expensive perfume on the Lord’s feet and wiped them with her hair.  Her brother, Lazarus, was sick.  So the two sisters sent a message to Jesus telling him, “Lord, your dear friend is very sick.”  

But when Jesus heard about it he said, “Lazarus’s sickness will not end in death. No, it happened for the glory of God so that the Son of God will receive glory from this.”  So although Jesus loved Martha, Mary, and Lazarus, he stayed where he was for the next two days.  Finally, he said to his disciples, “Let’s go back to Judea.”

But his disciples objected. “Rabbi,” they said, “only a few days ago the people in Judea were trying to stone you. Are you going there again?”

Jesus replied, “There are twelve hours of daylight every day. During the day people can walk safely. They can see because they have the light of this world.  But at night there is danger of stumbling because they have no light.”  Then he said, “Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep, but now I will go and wake him up.”

The disciples said, “Lord, if he is sleeping, he will soon get better!”  They thought Jesus meant Lazarus was simply sleeping, but Jesus meant Lazarus had died.

So he told them plainly, “Lazarus is dead.  And for your sakes, I’m glad I wasn’t there, for now you will really believe. Come, let’s go see him.”  v. 1-15

Jesus knew Lazarus was going to die.  He also knew the purpose God, the Father, was working behind the pain, using the enemy's attacks for a higher good.  And Jesus knew that the enemy had worked his way into the minds of Mary and Martha.  He needed to shine His light into their minds to reaffirm their faith, so they wouldn't stumble.  But let's take a look at Jesus' response to Mary and Martha when he finally arrived, reading from verse 32:

When Mary arrived and saw Jesus, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died.”

When Jesus saw her weeping and saw the other people wailing with her, a deep anger welled up within him, and he was deeply troubled.  “Where have you put him?” he asked them.

They told him, “Lord, come and see.”  Then Jesus wept.  The people who were standing nearby said, “See how much he loved him!”  But some said, “This man healed a blind man. Couldn’t he have kept Lazarus from dying?”

Jesus was still angry as he arrived at the tomb, a cave with a stone rolled across its entrance.  “Roll the stone aside,” Jesus told them.

But Martha, the dead man’s sister, protested, “Lord, he has been dead for four days. The smell will be terrible.”

Jesus responded, “Didn’t I tell you that you would see God’s glory if you believe?”  So they rolled the stone aside. Then Jesus looked up to heaven and said, “Father, thank you for hearing me.  You always hear me, but I said it out loud for the sake of all these people standing here, so that they will believe you sent me.”  Then Jesus shouted, “Lazarus, come out!”  And the dead man came out, his hands and feet bound in graveclothes, his face wrapped in a headcloth. Jesus told them, “Unwrap him and let him go!”  v. 32-44

I don't believe Jesus was angry because Mary and Martha were sad and grieving.  And I don't believe Jesus wept because he felt a sort of loss over Lazarus dying.  

Earlier in the chapter, Jesus gently asks Martha what she believes about it all.  She stated she still believed He was the Messiah and that she would see her brother again (sounds familiar).  And she says this immediately after asking Jesus why he delayed in coming because, in her mind (and the minds of the disciples, as well), the only way Jesus could have saved him was to stop it from happening in the first place (also sounds familiar).  But Jesus gently reassures her that Lazarus is sleeping, NOT dead, not gone.  In this way, Jesus reminds Martha that physical death of the body for a Christian is not the end of their story, nor is sorrow.  

I believe Jesus was angry because they had allowed the enemy to get into their heads and cloud their understanding and trust in Him.  This narrow, earthly way of thinking limits the power of God in our minds and in our hearts, hindering our lives.  The enemy had a motive for attacking Lazarus, which was, and still is today, to stop the will of God.  It never works and will never work.  God is always a gazillion steps ahead.  And God allowed Lazarus to die in order to evidence that Jesus was His son, the Messiah.  

I believe Jesus wept because their weakened faith broke His heart.  But He loved them unconditionally, as children, so he helped them understand that nothing the enemy does to us - not even death - gets the final say.

Martin Luther once said about thoughts, "You can't stop a bird from flying over your head, but you can surely keep them from building a nest in your hair."  We also can't keep the sorrows of this life away, but we can surely keep them from taking root in our hearts, by grace through faith.  

The last thing I said in my prayer, after telling the Lord, "this still hurts and it still sucks," was asking for his comfort.  Jesus didn't scold Mary and Martha for being sad.  But He did comfort them with the truth...His truth.  And sometimes I believe the Holy Spirit sits with us, letting us know He is there, but he stays silent - much like when Jesus kept away for three days.  Just because we don't see an exit on the highway yet, doesn't mean we're not still on the highway.  Then He gently asks us to repeat again what we believe in our hearts.

I repeated, stating out loud my faith that He is still good, He is still in control, and He works all things for my good — because God's Word, when spoken out from our spirit, has power over the enemy.  And the more I professed these things, even through tears and heartache, the more my soul started to cast out the sorrow.  The more the Holy Spirit uprooted the enemy's lies and planted His truth in my mind and heart.  And you know what?  I wasn't sad anymore.  The problems and things making me sad were still there (still are today), but like Lazarus, it's not the end of my story.  

Love in Christ and still striving to be...

Very Kimberly