Before I dive into this topic, I want to recap what codependency is. The following is taken from my backstory article which you will find under the label "My Story."
Codependency is the false belief that your identity, value, and self-worth come from others and their acceptance of you. It comes from a non-existent self-esteem. If you are codependent, you have no self-esteem unless you have someone else's love, approval and acceptance. Think "Pathological People Pleasing."
There are different ways this lie gets planted in our souls through a variety of dysfunctional family environments. But the theme and the message are always the same.
This part of the series focuses on the codependency of my grandparents on my dad's side. When I started researching codependency, and through much guidance from the Holy Spirit, my eyes started to open to see some of these thought patterns that I had inherited.
A Mother's Worth According to My Grandmother
My dad told me a story one day about something that my grandmother had told him when he was a child after he had misbehaved. She said, "How you behave is a reflection of how I raise you". In other words, his bad behavior made her look like a bad mother to others. Now, please note that my dad was a special needs child with learning disabilities, which to me as a special needs mother, myself, this statement is particularly horrifying. And now that I understand more about codependency, I have to say, I believe it has to be one of the most blatantly codependent statements ever made. She pretty much put it all out there with that one.
However, before I dissect this statement, I want to say that my grandmother obviously learned this pattern of thinking from her parents and they learned it from their parents, and so on. This is where the generational stronghold comes into play. And I'm sure her intentions in this statement were innocent, but she clearly did not understand how truly damaging it was, both psychologically and spiritually.
Okay (big sigh)... Time for some hard truth in love.
When she said, "...is a reflection of how I raise you," that takes the focus away from the child's behavior and puts it squarely on her worth. It also puts the power and control over her worth in the opinions of others. In addition, she is holding her child responsible for that perceived worth. But the truth is, a child's behavior is the only responsibility of the child. It's the parent's responsibility to correct bad behavior with teaching, guiding and discipline by holding them accountable for the bad behavior. To say that someone's behavior has anything to do with anyone's worth is to deny the saving grace of the cross. Our worth and value never changes, even when we fall short. [But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. Romans 5:8] This means even though we struggle with sin in this life, we were so worth it to God and He valued us so much that He sent His Son to die on the cross. Also, when we do fall short (and we all do sometimes), does that take away from the worthiness of Christ or the power of the Holy Spirit? Of course not. When a person falls short, the only one who can claim responsibility for sinful words or actions, is the individual because it is a choice.
This statement not only taught my dad that self-worth comes from others, but it also taught him to behave a certain way not because it was the right thing to do, but to control how others saw him (and her). Accountability wasn't about right and wrong.
Below is a list of scripture that speaks against this very statement, codependency in general, and all the lies it represents:
For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10
For they loved the glory that comes from man more than the glory that comes from God. John 12:43
Stop regarding man in whose nostrils is breath, for of what account is he? Isaiah 2:22
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:2
It saddens me when I realize how hard it must have been for her to live her life like this. I remember she was always obsessed with appearances, things being "just so". They were a big deal for her, but for so many wrong reasons. All of this work to extract a perceived form of self-worth from other people, when there were so many reasons to love her anyway. This was the same woman that fought and beat breast cancer, ovarian cancer and a brain tumor. The removal of the brain tumor paralyzed her on the left side of her entire body. And yet... she cooked, cleaned, taught me how to tie my shoes using only one hand, played games with me (and let me win), and lived longer than the doctors said she would. She played Sunday School records for me every time I went to her house, planting the very first seeds of my faith through music. She was an amazing example of perseverance, faith and a warrior spirit. But I doubt she saw herself this way. It's impossible to see ourselves the way that God sees us, to know how much He truly loves us, when we're looking through the world's eyes.
I, myself, have said very codependent statements to my children, not realizing what I was really saying. Out of our mouths, will come the very contents of our hearts... even the broken parts.
Clues of Codependency in My Grandfather
My grandfather was a very reserved man. And despite the fact that we both had a passion for music and singing, I don't think I ever really knew him on a personal level. I remember Mom telling me that he had said one time that he had raised boys and didn't know how to relate to little girls. However, at the prompting of his girlfriend (after Grandma passed away), he started taking me out to lunch and a movie for my birthday every year. But they were more like uncomfortable moments versus bonding moments. However, I do appreciate that he tried.
There is one story I remember, though, that indicates where he might have placed his self-worth.
He was the youngest of three boys and his father taught them how to sing harmony together. His father then proceeded to show them off, having them sing for everyone and anyone. His father even had a local radio show and had them sing. My grandfather went on to be the choir director at his church and was a part of a very large community men's choir. He had a gift from God and he did use that talent for God. However, despite the fact that he had this God-given talent, he would need to take tranquilizers every time he had to sing a solo in front of people. But, why? Because it was about his performance, not about the gift that God had given him to share with the world. We want to use our gifts to glorify God, and we want to use them well in order to achieve that goal. But when we use them to achieve a sense of self-worth through the acceptance of people, it becomes about glorifying ourselves and our own abilities even though those abilities come from God. God uses our talents and abilities to work through us to be a light in this world for the cause of Christ, because our worth was already established in Christ.
This also leads me to believe that my grandfather had an issue with being good enough or just being enough, doing enough, etc. I believe both of my grandparents had the same mindset. And again, if they could have only seen themselves through God's eyes. There was, indeed, evidence of the good work God placed in them. There were so many things about them that I admire, traits that could only be attributed to the Holy Spirit living in them.
Even though I didn't have a very close personal relationship with my grandfather, my fondest memories of him will always be us singing together. It was the only time that I really felt close to him. It was the only "bonding moments" that we shared. After my grandfather passed away, I also inherited the dreaded stage fright and the never feeling good enough.
I know now that I have exhibited these same mindsets, either by my poor life choices, codependent statements or lack of self-esteem, among other ways. And I regret to say that my children and my niece have been my front row audience.
So, it is with every step of this recovery journey from codependency that I pray these same children see their worth through God's eyes and walk out His purposes for them in confidence. Through my weakness, I pray God will strengthen their spirits to walk in that freedom in Christ.
And I know Grandma and Grandpap are up in heaven saying... "Amen."
Love in Christ and still striving to be,
Very Kimberly