A Wounded Spirit

I was at work one day and a lady customer came up to me asking if she could give me a pamphlet.  I said, "No, thank you.  I already know the Lord very well {BIG SMILE}."  And I could tell she was somewhat perplexed because she felt led by the Holy Spirit to come to me.  But I knew what her next question was going to be and I stopped her again... "I actually read the bible every day, Ma'am.  As a matter of fact, I even read it on my lunch break.  I have a great church, as well."  This lady said, "Great, keep doing it, keep doing it," as if she suspected that I was struggling with it, which I truly wasn't.  At this point, I'll admit I was starting to feel a little offended and hurt that this woman would assume for whatever reason that I didn't know the Lord or wasn't leading a "Christian" life, so to speak.  At this point in the conversation, I did not believe for one second that this lady was being led by the Holy Spirit because some (albeit well intentioned) Christians who do what's called Street Ministry tend to come across as pushy car salespersons and nobody trusts those people.  They also look at someone's spiritual condition from the outside appearance or social status sometimes.  The world is full of very wounded, hurting people who need to very gently be encouraged that God does, truly love them and wants to save them... not have Jesus shoved in their face or down their throats.  Jesus never forced himself on anyone and we shouldn't force Him on anyone, either.  Because at the end of the day, it is about their choice to accept and follow Jesus.  And we can't make that choice for them.  And "struggle" in and of itself in a corrupt world isn't a sign of spiritual lack... it's a sign of spiritual perseverance.  

But then this lady stopped short and said, "The biggest wounds can be caused by the Body of Christ.  But you keep doing what you're doing."  It was in that moment, that I knew she was, in fact, led by the Holy Spirit to come to me for that very reason.  I had actually been struggling with that old, unhealed, wound ferociously that very day.  I wasn't struggling with continuing my walk with the Lord, but with the stinging wound itself that she happened to bump into that day, and she probably noticed that it made me cringe at her a little.  

See, in my first marriage (closet alcoholic No. 1), my husband was very, very abusive.  Not in physical ways, but every other way you can possibly imagine.  He used the Word of God to make himself a little god in my life and in the lives of my daughters and my niece.  And he used the image of a "good, Christian family" to cover up his addictions.  He was not only addicted to alcohol, but also pornography.  Years later I found out from my daughter that he had also confessed to being addicted to pills.  I had no clue.  His family had no clue.  The church had no clue.  And the more his addictions began to manifest in his heart, unchecked, the more manipulative, controlling and abusive he became.  Now, because I was  even more codependent at this stage in my life, being married to a narcissist, I felt like who I was in Christ was literally being smashed to pieces.  I was being spiritually, mentally and emotionally manipulated by this man to be someone I just wasn't nor had God ever intended me to be.  And I wasn't being taught in his church that my identity, value and worth came from God in Christ.  They were reiterating the same themes that he was... that my identity, value and worth came from my husband.  And if he wasn't happy and mistreated me, that was only the result of not being a good enough wife.  Sounds like pretty codependent preaching, doesn't it?  

The church told me that Jesus was abused (which made my husband's abuse okay), that I was supposed to "teach my husband how to love," when in reality, that is a fruit of the Holy Spirit and can only be taught by the Holy Spirit.  Not to mention the complete and total disregard for Ephesians 5:25-30:

For husbands, this means love your wife, just as Christ loved the church.  He gave up  his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word.  He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without spot or wrinkle or any other blemish.  Instead, she will be holy and without fault.  In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies.  For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself.  No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church…

 They were telling me that I had to "submissively lead" my husband in love (a contradiction in terms and unscriptural) but at the same time bow down to his sinful leadership.  I felt like they were holding me accountable for his sins and placing upon me his responsibility in the marriage, while at the same time stripping away from me any authority to do so.  And they used the Word of God to inflict more spiritual abuse by re-victimizing the actual victim.  Now, you can imagine the impact this had on my walk with the Lord.   

Spiritual abuse is when someone uses their authority and/or religious power to manipulate and control another person for their own selfish, personal agenda by making others believe their actual sinful behavior is approved by God through His Word.  

Acts 20:30 says: 

Even from your own number men will arise and distort the truth in order to draw away disciples after them.  

Matthew 7:15-18 says: 

Watch out for false prophets.  They come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves.  By their fruit you will recognize them.  Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles?  Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit.

 Titus 1:6-16 says:

An elder must be blameless, faithful to his wife, a man whose children believe and are not open to the charge of being wild and disobedient.  Since an overseer manages God's household, he must be blameless - not overbearing, not quick-tempered, not given to drunkenness, not violent, not pursuing dishonest gain.  Rather, he must be hospitable, one who loves what is good, who is self-controlled, upright, holy and disciplined.  He must hold firmly to the trustworthy message as it has been taught, so that he can encourage others by sound doctrine and refute those who oppose it.  For there are many rebellious people, full of meaningless talk and deception, especially those of the circumcision group.  They must be silenced, because they are disrupting whole households by teaching things they ought not to teach -- and that for the sake of dishonest gain.  One of Crete's own prophets has said it: "Cretans are always liars, evil brutes, lazy gluttons."  This saying is true.  Therefore rebuke them sharply, so that they will be sound in the faith and will pay no attention to Jewish myths or to the merely human commands of those who reject the truth.  To the pure, all things are pure, but to those who are corrupted and do not believe, nothing is pure.  In fact, both their minds and consciences are corrupted.  They claim to know God, but by their actions they deny him.  They are detestable, disobedient and unfit for doing anything good.

It happened, it hurt, it created very deep, spiritual wounds that have hindered my walk with God and stunted my spiritual growth.  But God, rich in mercy, never left me.  Because of these wolves, I stopped following the way of Jesus for a time, but I never lost faith in Jesus through His grace.  

We tend to naively believe that—because the church is supposed to be the body of Christ (the hands and feet of Jesus)—that we can and should always trust church people.  While it is true that we should be able to trust the church; sadly, not everyone who claims to be a believer is genuine.  Jesus dealt with religious legalists during his life on this earth, and so will we.  

What I've learned is, the "church," even though spiritually members of the body of Christ, those members are still contained in very human, sinful bodies.  We do not go to church to worship the church or the other members of the body of Christ.  We go to church to practice our faith and worship God.  And the church, still being made a spotless bride till Jesus comes back, still has some mud on her, let's face it.  So, the final, ultimate authority comes from God, not the church. That's not to say you should ignore the messages up at the pulpit... just align the message with God's Word and ask for the guidance of the Holy Spirit in discerning the scriptures on whether or not it's good or bad fruit.

From that experience I also learned what bad fruit looked, smelled and tasted like.  God used it to refine my discernment skills.  Sometimes we need to know what not to do in order to realize what we are supposed to do.  That was the case with me.  

And yet, I still choose forgiveness.  Why?  Because God forgave me when I didn't produce such good fruit, either.  Forgiveness is for me, not them.  I forgive their offense towards me, but only One can forgive their offense towards God, which requires their repentance.  Without forgiveness, my wounds can't heal.

I still don't fully trust people (whether church folk or not) and pretty much take everyone with a grain of salt.  Why?  Because the only One who can truly, truly, truly be trusted that is ALL good, ALL the time is God.  

Love in Christ and still striving to be,

Very Kimberly

Just Say No - A Codependent's Nightmare

Another way the codependent spirit keeps us entangled is when people ask something of us, and we want (and sometimes should) say "No," but instead, we say "Yes."  

For me, one of the reasons why I say yes when I want to say no, revolves around the whole put others first biblical principle.  However, when we say "sure, no problem" when we absolutely do have a problem with saying yes—whether right, wrong or indifferent—we are LYING to that person.  And it's not fair to us, nor the person we are lying to.  Also, when we aren't honest about this, we aren't putting that person first, we are avoiding a negative response to the "No."  We are protecting ourselves.  That's not putting the other person first.  It's protecting us from their rejection and, therefore, trying to control how that person sees our value.  Jesus did not go to the cross to become worthy.  He went to the cross because He was worthy.  We shouldn't, therefore, say yes to something in order to be valued or to find worth in ourselves because we are already valued by God in Christ.  

I first want to say, though, that this is a very normal response for my brain considering the abuse and trauma I have had to endure over several years.  Selfish people will exploit the “put others first” principle in their own favor.  Especially from selfless people who were never taught how to appropriately create healthy boundaries, because this is extremely difficult (if not impossible) for someone who does not see themselves as valuable enough to have a boundary in the first place.

Where this goes even deeper into sin is when we end up saying yes to something that contradicts our personal beliefs or goes against our own personal convictions.  In Judaism, it is a sin to eat pork because pigs are considered unclean animals.  However, in the New Testament, the Apostle Paul said that eating pork was no longer considered a sin because all meat, if you give thanks, is acceptable as a gift/provision of God.  He went on to say, though, that if a Christian felt convicted about eating pork, then that person should continue to abstain and anyone eating with this person should also abstain because, otherwise, it would cause his brother/sister to stumble in their faith.  Romans 14:21-23 says:

It is good not to eat meat or drink wine or do anything that causes your brother to stumble.  The faith that you have, keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who has no reason to pass judgment on himself for what he approves.  But whoever has doubts is condemned if he eats, because the eating is not from faith. For whatever does not proceed from faith is sin.  [emphasis added]

So, saying yes to something I believe to be wrong to do not only hinders my own faith, it also strips the opportunity from the other person to do the right thing.  It also makes me a hypocrite.  

Seeing my worth and value as a person through the lens of codependency means that I base my value not on my creator, but man and this world.  These are some scriptures I have found to combat these false thinking patterns:  

And yet, O Lord, you are our Father.  We are the clay, and you are the potter.  We all are formed by your hand.  Isaiah 64:8

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.  They cannot be numbered!  I can't even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand!  And when I wake up, you are still with me!  Psalms 139:17-18

Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.  1 John 2:15-17

 I have come into the world as light, so that whoever believes in me may not remain in darkness.  John 12:46

There is also a difference between putting someone's needs first and putting someone's selfish wants first.  As a mom, we instinctively put our children's needs first in various ways.  When I was strapped for money (which is a common side effect of being married to and/or separated from an alcoholic), I would often eat significantly less during the day so that my kids would have enough food to eat.  I would go without so that my kids would have what they needed.  This is a sacrificial action that comes from a place of love.  I knew God would provide enough for me to sustain, as well.  I didn't completely go without eating, starving myself, because I couldn't very well take care of my children if I jeopardized my own health that way.  

However, when someone asks something of me out of their own selfish wants (not needs) and I say yes, this is not coming from a place of love, but again, out of fear.  The bible says that perfect love casts out fear because this unhealthy form of fear is about punishment (1 John 4:18).  The unhealthy form of fear in this case would be my anticipation of punishment in the form of passive aggression, angry outbursts, rejection, etc.  Again, considering my past abuse history, and seeing that I have a very human brain, this response is completely, physiologically, normal and natural.  

But what is the spiritual response?  I believe the Holy Spirit, in His still, small voice, asks this question... Are you afraid of my punishment or of man's?  Hebrews 13:6 says, So we can say with confidence, "The LORD is my helper, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me?"  When we look at it from a spiritual, eternal perspective, what truly can man do to us?  And if someone responds with abusiveness (which is a sin), it is not about me, personally, because I am not accountable for their free will choice to respond in that manner.  Fearing the punishment of man in this way also accepts the LIE that my value and worth as a person is based on whether or not the asking person is happy.  I am not responsible for the feelings of others because there is no humanly way possible for me to truly control that.

Now, what about if a person has a legitimate need, but providing that need would come at a cost?  I think it depends on the need, and whether or not you can or should meet that need for them.  And just like with my children, I do not believe it is God's will for me to jeopardize my own health or welfare.  If a very large person is stuck in a ditch, a small person could not pull them out... they would get pulled into the ditch, as well.  That helps no one.  Also, if someone has a need that they, themselves, are fully capable of providing—either by their own working and/or making responsible choices—this isn't helping it is enabling another's sin.  What we can't, God can, and the best "help" we can give anyone is the gift of praying for them when we don't have the resources or ability to help otherwise.  As a matter of fact, if we seek the counsel of the Holy Spirit in all things to give us discernment, He is faithful to guide us in the right direction.  And if we are truly yielding to the Holy Spirit's guidance, we are guilty of nothing when we say that dreaded "No."  If God has given me the ability and resources to help, and I am being prompted by the Holy Spirit to do so (and He will), then I should do so with gladness that I am being the hands and feet of Jesus in that person's life.  However, if not, I need to accept that sometimes I am not personally going to be "big enough" for the job...but God always is.

Again, at the center of this difficulty in saying no comes from a lack of self-worth and boundaries.  We codependents see everyone as above us because we see ourselves as unworthy, not good enough, rejected.  And though it is a biblical principle to put others first, it is not a biblical principle to put another's value above our own. Nowhere in the bible have I found that God shows favoritism or is in any way a respecter of persons.   As a matter of fact, the bible clearly states, as members of the same body of Christ, we are all equal in value, while at the same time having unique purposes.  

Saying no because we don't really want to (for whatever reason) is being honest.  It is an authentic way of showing people who we are, what we like, what we dislike and what our values are.  It creates an honest boundary of what we accept and what we don't, which should be in line with God's Word and His Truth.  

Some people are not going to be happy with the boundary and may respond negatively, but the RIGHT people will love me anyway, respecting that I love myself enough to just say no.

Love in Christ and still striving to be,

Very Kimberly