Another way the codependent spirit keeps us entangled is when people ask something of us, and we want (and sometimes should) say "No," but instead, we say "Yes."
For me, one of the reasons why I say yes when I want to say no, revolves around the whole put others first biblical principle. However, when we say "sure, no problem" when we absolutely do have a problem with saying yes—whether right, wrong or indifferent—we are LYING to that person. And it's not fair to us, nor the person we are lying to. Also, when we aren't honest about this, we aren't putting that person first, we are avoiding a negative response to the "No." We are protecting ourselves. That's not putting the other person first. It's protecting us from their rejection and, therefore, trying to control how that person sees our value. Jesus did not go to the cross to become worthy. He went to the cross because He was worthy. We shouldn't, therefore, say yes to something in order to be valued or to find worth in ourselves because we are already valued by God in Christ.
I first want to say, though, that this is a very normal response for my brain considering the abuse and trauma I have had to endure over several years. Selfish people will exploit the “put others first” principle in their own favor. Especially from selfless people who were never taught how to appropriately create healthy boundaries, because this is extremely difficult (if not impossible) for someone who does not see themselves as valuable enough to have a boundary in the first place.
Where this goes even deeper into sin is when we end up saying yes to something that contradicts our personal beliefs or goes against our own personal convictions. In Judaism, it is a sin to eat pork because pigs are considered unclean animals. However, in the New Testament, the Apostle Paul said that eating pork was no longer considered a sin because all meat, if you give thanks, is acceptable as a gift/provision of God. He went on to say, though, that if a Christian felt convicted about eating pork, then that person should continue to abstain and anyone eating with this person should also abstain because, otherwise, it would cause his brother/sister to stumble in their faith. Romans 14:21-23 says:
It is good not to eat meat or drink wine or do anything that causes your brother to stumble. The faith that you have, keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who has no reason to pass judgment on himself for what he approves. But whoever has doubts is condemned if he eats, because the eating is not from faith. For whatever does not proceed from faith is sin. [emphasis added]
So, saying yes to something I believe to be wrong to do not only hinders my own faith, it also strips the opportunity from the other person to do the right thing. It also makes me a hypocrite.
Seeing my worth and value as a person through the lens of codependency means that I base my value not on my creator, but man and this world. These are some scriptures I have found to combat these false thinking patterns:
And yet, O Lord, you are our Father. We are the clay, and you are the potter. We all are formed by your hand. Isaiah 64:8
How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can't even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me! Psalms 139:17-18
Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever. 1 John 2:15-17
I have come into the world as light, so that whoever believes in me may not remain in darkness. John 12:46
There is also a difference between putting someone's needs first and putting someone's selfish wants first. As a mom, we instinctively put our children's needs first in various ways. When I was strapped for money (which is a common side effect of being married to and/or separated from an alcoholic), I would often eat significantly less during the day so that my kids would have enough food to eat. I would go without so that my kids would have what they needed. This is a sacrificial action that comes from a place of love. I knew God would provide enough for me to sustain, as well. I didn't completely go without eating, starving myself, because I couldn't very well take care of my children if I jeopardized my own health that way.
However, when someone asks something of me out of their own selfish wants (not needs) and I say yes, this is not coming from a place of love, but again, out of fear. The bible says that perfect love casts out fear because this unhealthy form of fear is about punishment (1 John 4:18). The unhealthy form of fear in this case would be my anticipation of punishment in the form of passive aggression, angry outbursts, rejection, etc. Again, considering my past abuse history, and seeing that I have a very human brain, this response is completely, physiologically, normal and natural.
But what is the spiritual response? I believe the Holy Spirit, in His still, small voice, asks this question... Are you afraid of my punishment or of man's? Hebrews 13:6 says, So we can say with confidence, "The LORD is my helper, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me?" When we look at it from a spiritual, eternal perspective, what truly can man do to us? And if someone responds with abusiveness (which is a sin), it is not about me, personally, because I am not accountable for their free will choice to respond in that manner. Fearing the punishment of man in this way also accepts the LIE that my value and worth as a person is based on whether or not the asking person is happy. I am not responsible for the feelings of others because there is no humanly way possible for me to truly control that.
Now, what about if a person has a legitimate need, but providing that need would come at a cost? I think it depends on the need, and whether or not you can or should meet that need for them. And just like with my children, I do not believe it is God's will for me to jeopardize my own health or welfare. If a very large person is stuck in a ditch, a small person could not pull them out... they would get pulled into the ditch, as well. That helps no one. Also, if someone has a need that they, themselves, are fully capable of providing—either by their own working and/or making responsible choices—this isn't helping it is enabling another's sin. What we can't, God can, and the best "help" we can give anyone is the gift of praying for them when we don't have the resources or ability to help otherwise. As a matter of fact, if we seek the counsel of the Holy Spirit in all things to give us discernment, He is faithful to guide us in the right direction. And if we are truly yielding to the Holy Spirit's guidance, we are guilty of nothing when we say that dreaded "No." If God has given me the ability and resources to help, and I am being prompted by the Holy Spirit to do so (and He will), then I should do so with gladness that I am being the hands and feet of Jesus in that person's life. However, if not, I need to accept that sometimes I am not personally going to be "big enough" for the job...but God always is.
Again, at the center of this difficulty in saying no comes from a lack of self-worth and boundaries. We codependents see everyone as above us because we see ourselves as unworthy, not good enough, rejected. And though it is a biblical principle to put others first, it is not a biblical principle to put another's value above our own. Nowhere in the bible have I found that God shows favoritism or is in any way a respecter of persons. As a matter of fact, the bible clearly states, as members of the same body of Christ, we are all equal in value, while at the same time having unique purposes.
Saying no because we don't really want to (for whatever reason) is being honest. It is an authentic way of showing people who we are, what we like, what we dislike and what our values are. It creates an honest boundary of what we accept and what we don't, which should be in line with God's Word and His Truth.
Some people are not going to be happy with the boundary and may respond negatively, but the RIGHT people will love me anyway, respecting that I love myself enough to just say no.
Love in Christ and still striving to be,
Very Kimberly
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