One of the characteristics of a codependent is saying sorry too much. Specifically, saying sorry for things that aren't our fault. So, if we aren't saying or doing anything wrong, why do we apologize?
This is the challenge my therapist gave me for the next two weeks while she's on vacation. And believe me, it's one of the hardest self-awareness tests so far for me. I say I'm sorry ALL THE TIME. For seemingly stupid reasons. I work in retail now, so I have this conflict going on the inside between having to make the customer happy, but at the same time, should I really be apologizing for everything I'm apologizing for?
And I think that's where self-awareness comes into play. One of the reasons why codependents say I'm sorry so much is because our brains have been washed at some point to think that we are somehow responsible for other people's comfort, convenience and overall happiness. In the retail world, this is kind of true, but I think to a point, it's not. One of the things my therapist is working with me on is the fact that I am NOT, in fact, responsible for others' feelings when I am not doing or saying anything wrong to warrant any negativity. So, for me, saying sorry has to do with predicting that whatever I am saying or doing (or being for that matter) at that moment is going to potentially cause the other person to be unhappy in some way. It could be an inconvenience, a disappointment (like saying "no," which is very difficult, as well), or any negative emotional response really.
A key word in all this that I believe the Holy Spirit is focusing on with me is the word "wrong." I'm just not the kind of person that pushes people's buttons, period. I have no desire to harm anyone in any way. So, when I say I'm sorry for something that I do or say that is in no way, shape or form wrong, and the only reason why I am saying it is because I am trying to avoid that person's negative feelings and/or responses, then I am taking responsibility for how that person feels or responds. Which, if I sit back and read that sentence again, it sounds utterly ridiculous because in all reality, people are going to feel and respond how they are going to feel and respond. A person's actions are their own personal responsibility and our responses to those actions are also our own responsibility. God did not buy into Eve's excuse that the serpent deceived her because she chose to believe his words over God's. And God also did not buy into Adam's excuse that Eve talked him into it, because Adam also knew what God had said and chose to do the opposite, therefore, not believing God's truth in the matter.
An emphasis on the word wrong would be intention and assumed wrong. Say I bump into someone at the grocery store by accident. Now, most people would say something like, "excuse me," or, "oh, I'm so sorry that I bumped into you." And I believe the message behind the I'm sorry is that we are trying to tell the other person that it was an accident and that we are considerate of others. This is a biblical attribute. However, I think codependents take that attribute of being considerate of others and apply it in ways God never intended. Again, it is something that has been washed into our brains by the enemy through abusive relationships, and I believe it starts with watching these dysfunctional relationships at work in our childhood. It is one of the many, many ways the enemy twists and corrupts the Word of God, just like in the Garden of Eden. Where the “I'm sorry” is not founded, is when we say that we are sorry for our own opinions, feelings, likes, dislikes, basically just being who we are and apologizing for it because we see ourselves as broken and flawed. We place our value as a person below everyone else. And Satan's lie behind this is that we are responsible for the negativity because if we were not so broken and flawed, there would be no negativity directed towards us at all.
But John 15:18-25 says:
“If the world hates you, remember that it hated me first. The world would love you as one of its own if you belonged to it, but you are no longer part of the world. I chose you to come out of the world, so it hates you. Do you remember what I told you? ‘A slave is not greater than the master.’ Since they persecuted me, naturally they will persecute you. And if they had listened to me, they would listen to you. They will do all this to you because of me, for they have rejected the one who sent me. They would not be guilty if I had not come and spoken to them. But now they have no excuse for their sin. Anyone who hates me also hates my Father. If I hadn’t done such miraculous signs among them that no one else could do, they would not be guilty. But as it is, they have seen everything I did, yet they still hate me and my Father. This fulfills what is written in their Scriptures: ‘They hated me without cause.’
If someone responds negatively towards me, without me doing or saying anything wrong towards them, it is not my fault. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with me... it means there is something wrong with them. Most of the time, when people react in a negative way unprovoked, it's because they are simply looking for an outlet for their own personal inner misery. Where the assumed guilt comes in is where we falsely believe that it is wrong to be ourselves. It is wrong to have our own views, feelings or preferences. Say a friend likes vanilla ice cream, but doesn't like the taste of chocolate at all. And you love chocolate. Saying I'm sorry for having your own unique characteristics is like you apologizing to your friend for liking chocolate because she doesn't like it. It becomes about your worth and not about wrongdoing. You're apologizing for being who you are.
Ephesians 2:10 says: For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. This includes our likes, dislikes, opinions - everything about who we are and what makes us tick.
So, now when I say I'm sorry for something (or about to say it), I need to stop a second to think about why I'm saying it. Even if it's after the fact (which is most of the time, honestly, at this point). I believe the key first step in not saying it out of context is to be aware of the reason why. If I can look back on a circumstance where I've apologized, figure out if it was out of actual guilt or my worth as a person, then I can better prepare myself for similar circumstances in the future. My therapist suggested that I replace "I'm sorry" with "thank you for understanding." I'm still not sure how I'm going to incorporate this in my everyday conversations and it sounds really, really weird to me right now. But change doesn't feel normal either, and that's the point of this healing journey.
Instead of putting out the message "I'm sorry for being me," the new message is "thank you for understanding that I am who God created me to be."
Love in Christ and striving to confidently be,
Very Kimberly
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