The Accuser Part 1 - Satan's Smear Campaign

Satan was the first narcissist. Sometimes, I tend to believe that no one understands the tactics of the enemy more than a survivor of narcissistic abuse, especially survivors who have had the traumatizing experience of having children with these monsters.

"I'm Not a Narcissist, You're a Narcissist"

 One of the tactics of a narcissist is to psychologically revert all blame onto the victim to avoid being held accountable. They shift reality through a barrage of smoke and mirrors. Then, when the victim realizes the narcissist's games and sets boundaries, the narcissist will then display his or her magic show to everyone else. And because the narcissist wears his mask in front of others, people on the outside have no idea and believe all of his lies. This is what is often called, "the smear campaign." 

Since the Garden of Eden, Satan has been running his smear campaign against God. In his conversation with Eve, Satan pointed his finger at God.

..."Did God really say you must not eat the fruit from any of the trees in the garden?" Genesis 3:1

Here, Satan plants the first seeds of doubt. He says this to Eve as if God was lying to her. Satan was the one who was lying by twisting the truth. This is also meant to create doubt in God's goodness, integrity, and worst of all, God's holiness. Satan paints a distorted picture of the character and nature of God by pointing his dirty finger of false blame.

We, who have had to co-parent with a narcissist, understand this tactic all too well. 

"You won't die!" the serpent replied to the woman. "God knows that your eyes will be opened as soon as you eat it, and you will be like God, knowing both good and evil." Genesis 3:4-5

 The co-parent narcissist's goal is to destroy your relationship with your child or children. He wants the child to see you as the bad guy, the villain in the story. The narcissist will twist every good thing, every good intention, and every good deed that you do into a false sense of deception. When in reality, it is the narcissist who is guilty of this. The narcissist uses the children as weapons of war, because he knows how much you love them, and this is where he can hurt you the most.

Satan did the same thing in the Garden and continues this tactic because it has worked for him for so long. 

"Why Did God Allow This to Happen to Me?"

After escaping my first husband, who was a textbook narcissist, life did not fall into place as I had hoped. I did not live "happily ever after." I was traumatized. I struggled to make simple decisions by myself. My children and my niece (who were very, very young at the time), were conditioned by my ex-husband to believe that I was not an authority figure in their lives, but that he was the only authority figure. I was instantly a single, working mother, struggling to survive. And my extended family was rooted in their own codependent ideologies. There was no time to see a therapist. There was no adequate support system. 

It was in those weakest moments that Satan (who had been the mastermind behind all of the evil in my life), started to whisper challenges to my faith in God's goodness.

"You were the one who provided. You were the one who took the kids to church every time the doors were open. You did everything that you were supposed to do. You repented and got married. You obeyed your husband, even when it was wrong to do so. Why isn't God coming to your rescue? Why isn't God making things easier? If you were doing your best to walk the ways of Jesus, why did God allow this to happen to you? Why did he allow your husband to be cruel to you, your children, and your niece? Why did he allow the church to dismiss your claims of abuse, and worse, justify it? Why isn't God holding him accountable?"

Those seeds of doubt took hold, and my faith in God's love for me began to nose dive and unravel. 

My ex-husband wasn't just a narcissist. He was a religious type narcissist. So, I was struggling with my perceived spiritual consequences of my escape, even though I knew, deep in my heart and spirit, that it was the right thing to do. In reality, it wasn't God who was punishing me. It was my ex-husband. Why did God allow him to be this way? Because God allows everyone to choose between right and wrong. My ex-husband chose wrong. He was being demonically influenced. 

And because I dared to defy those demonic influences (a.k.a., Satan) by walking through the opportunity God, himself, had given me to escape, the heat was turned up in my life. Then Lucifer's dirty finger pointed at God. 

What the Enemy Intends for Harm, God Intends for Good (Genesis 50:20)

In hindsight, I can see all of this unfolding just like the smear campaign of a narcissistic co-parent. At the time, however, I was eyeballs deep in a codependent mentality. I was trying to be a good Christian in my own strength. I wasn't just trying to please God. I was trying to be good enough for God. I was trying to prove my worth. And that was never going to happen. Not because I didn't have worth in God's eyes, but because my worth had already been established in Christ. But when you are raised in a dysfunctional, codependent environment, falsely thinking that love (even God's love) is conditional and earned, it is only natural to get confused. 

Miraculously, and by His grace, my faith in who Jesus is, never faltered. But, I was backsliding, again, out of my anger at God. Ironically, the first time that I had backslid was because I was angry at God for similar reasons...I lacked good, healthy relationships. Out of a codependent mind, I kept trying to win the hearts of the people in my life to obtain value and worth. But it wasn't working. And because of my codependent obsession, I prioritized the people in my life over the Lord of my life. That's not to say that God doesn't desire for us to have good relationships or fellowship. I now believe that it is God's desire for us to have that healthy relationship with Him, then ourselves, and then with others. We cannot love ourselves in a truly healthy way until we truly know and love God, trusting that His love is unconditional because of the cross. And we cannot love others as ourselves until we learn to have that same healthy, unconditional, love for ourselves that comes from having an identity in Christ.  

But despite all of my shortcomings, God did, indeed, provide. A particular memory is one where I had run out of laundry soap and didn't have the money to buy some, with loads of laundry calling my name. I said under my breath, "God, how am I going to wash our clothes? I don't have enough money even for laundry soap." After about five or ten minutes, my neighbor knocked on my door saying that she had found some extra laundry soap that she wanted to give me. Now, mind you, I had prayed to God under my breath and my house was several feet away, so there was no way that my neighbor could have heard my prayer. However, life was still very, very hard. And not many people understand, even if they think they do. But God, in His mercy and compassion, still provided. Despite my angry rebellion, when I reached out in faith, the hand of Jesus still pulled me up out of the water.

The presence of trials and tribulations is not God's punishment...it's God's refinement. I had to learn to stop chasing after love in all the wrong places. I had to learn to stop seeking the kind of unconditional love that can only be found in God. This season in my life was meant to refine my discernment between real love and dysfunctional, false love. It was God's merciful way of pulling me out of codependency. He could have left me in the sinful state I was in, but in His unconditional love, He refused to leave me there. 

You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people. Genesis 50:20

It took another marriage to another alcoholic, having the same dysfunctional patterns repeat themselves all over again, for me to realize the lesson God was trying to teach me. And it took cancer for me to come to the end of myself, the end of trusting in people. I finally learned to put my trust, my faith, and my commitment where it belonged...with God.

Love in Christ and still striving to be,

Very Kimberly 

Moving On From Past Mistakes

In my article Refined Not Broken, the Holy Spirit was helping me process the feeling that I was somehow flawed, that there was something wrong with me.  I still struggle with that to this day.  This type of “broken,” however, that I'm talking about today is the brokenness of the heart over past mistakes.  Brokenness of the heart that we inflict on ourselves.

When I came to a place in my healing journey with codependency where I finally started to realize my worth and value as a child of God, I began to experience some very perplexing emotions.  This was very surprising to me because I thought since I now know the truth, shouldn't there be this liberating happiness?  There wasn't.  Instead, there were clear signs of grief. 

I began to get angry.  I was angry about all of the time I wasted being a doormat and allowing myself to be used.  I was angry because if I could shine a light on the inside of me and my children and my niece, our souls would look like ground chuck.  And it wasn't deserved and it wasn't our fault.  

Then came the bargaining.  What if I had done this or that differently?  Then the deep, overwhelming sadness. There are so many years I simply can't get back. There are no "do-overs."  There is no "try again."  What has been done, has been done.  Some life choices are permanent, because you can't go back in time and change your mind.  It's too late.

English Dictionary Definition of "Regret":

Pain of mind on account of something done or experienced in the past, with a wish that it had been different; a looking back with dissatisfaction or with longing; grief; sorrow; especially, a mourning on account of the loss of some joy, advantage, or satisfaction.

In Greek:

 Metamelomai - To regret, repent. 

The good news... my grief was actually a sign of my repentance.  However, my mind struggled to let go of the past.  

The Bible says: 

 Do not say, "Why were the old days better than these?"  For it is not wise to ask such questions.  Ecclesiastes 7:10

Be alert and of sober mind.  Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.  1 Peter 5:8 

Come, let us return to the Lord.  He has torn us to pieces but will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds.  Hosea 6:1

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.  1 John 1:9

When we repent, and only when we repent, there is hope for our lives here on earth, as well as in eternity.  It is good that we regret past mistakes because it reminds us of what not to do.  It's a lesson learned.   But if we stay too long in the mindset of regret, we lose sight of the hope of our salvation, both in the present and in the future.  I, personally, was losing sight of the fact that I had been forgiven by God.  That my past sins were "as far as the east is from the west."  That the blood of Christ has "removed my transgressions from me." Psalms 103:12  

Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.  2 Corinthians 7:10

 At the end of godly sorrow, you realize what went wrong, how it was wrong and why it was wrong.  It becomes a compass going forward in life.  It leaves no regret because Jesus has redeemed us from that state of being.  I am not that person anymore.  Just like an adult is not the same person they were as a child, I am not the same person because the Lord has helped me to grow and mature.  And He continues to do so every day.  

When I had repented, it was the enemy's tactic to keep reminding me that my sins deserved punishment... and they did.  But what the enemy was also trying to keep me from remembering is that Jesus already endured that punishment for my sins 2,000 years ago.  It was finished... 2,000 years ago.   Worldly sorrow keeps us in condemnation and shame.  Worldly sorrow refuses to acknowledge salvation and redemption by way of Jesus Christ.  And it is the path toward unbelief, lack of faith and, ultimately, spiritual death.  It is a stronghold that keeps us trapped in a vicious cycle of self-pity in one extreme and self-punishment in the other extreme.  

Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it.  But one thing I do:  Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 3:13-14

I had to remember that, although some bad choices in life cannot be undone, that does not mean that the rest of my life cannot be redeemed.   Repentance is not a declaration of reaching perfection.  But rather, simply a step in the right direction, with the clear understanding that I am utterly dependent upon God's grace to take each new step.

English Dictionary Definition of "Acceptance":

 1. The action of consenting to receive or undertake something offered.

 2. The action or process of being received as adequate or suitable, typically to be admitted into a group.

In Greek:

"Pros-dekh'-om-ahee."  To receive to one's self, to admit, to give access to one's self.

 Acceptance in Grief:

When you are finally able to accept what's happened and move on.  You accept how the loss has changed your life and you stop wishing to gain back what has been lost.  

All of these definitions apply.  

What we are accepting first is the forgiveness of God in Christ Jesus.  It is a gift, something being offered to us by God.  Once we accept that forgiveness, we are received as children of God and have been justified through faith (Romans 5:1).  We are "received as adequate or suitable."  We are "admitted" into the Kingdom of God.  

What we are accepting second is our new selves.  Accepting who we are now, not who we were, because that person is gone.  We are a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17).  

It is then, and only then, that we can take the tragedies in our lives and accept them as testimonies of God's grace and mercy.  We accept them as fertilizer the Lord has used to help us grow.   And we treasure the person He has created us to be now, looking forward to meeting the person He creates in the future.

Grief is a healthy and important part of healing.  And the moving on part begins with the next season... Forgiving myself.

Love in Christ and still striving to be,

Very Kimberly

Generational Stronghold Part 3 - Ten Gallon Bucket

A while back, I happened to see a video clip of an Oprah episode where Pastor TD Jakes was ministering to her regarding some internal issues she experienced with her mother.  Pastor Jakes explained that Oprah was a ten gallon bucket person where her mother was only a five gallon bucket person.  A ten gallon bucket can give more love than a five gallon bucket because it's a bigger bucket and has a higher capacity to be filled.  Even if the five gallon bucket was filled to the brim, if you poured all of it into the ten gallon bucket, the ten gallon bucket would only be filled half way.  What he meant by this analogy is that Oprah's mother loved her and provided for her emotional needs as a child the best she possibly could with what she had within herself.  The problem was that what Oprah needed to be filled to capacity was ten gallons, not five.  

When I started to learn about codependency, I eventually started to see the dysfunctional family patterns, and started adding things up to realize why I had these issues.  And it wasn't just my parents.  It wasn't just my grandparents.  Codependency had literally saturated my family tree, so there was no way to escape it.  Like the blind leading the blind.  

And it's been quite the internal struggle for me because it feels worse than a loss.  A loss indicates that you had something to lose.  And yet I'd still categorize this feeling as grief even though what I'm grieving is something I never had in the first place, which is healthy relationships.  When a loved one dies, one of the grieving processes is to find something or someone to blame.  You get angry.  You try to figure out what went wrong.  You rationalize how the loss could have been avoided.  The anger from the loss has to go somewhere and it has to be aimed at something or someone.  Then came the depression phase.  The enemy really had a time with me during that phase because he used it to question my worth.  The Holy Spirit used it to stretch my faith muscles.  Such are the ways of grief.

However, because I now understand that codependency is a generational stronghold of the enemy, it became pretty clear that there was no way for me to know exactly where or how it all began on either parental side.  So, the blame game really is pointless.  But, see, that's where the ten gallon bucket thing starts to make sense.  

What makes codependency a generational stronghold is the fact that it is inherited.  If dearly departed Grandma never owned an antique teapot with painted red roses, you're not going to inherit one from her.  What gets passed down is the dysfunctional, codependent patterns of thinking and viewing the world, as well as that way of life.   

With my father's side, it really was a way of life.  It was considered normal, rationalized and justified, even though it was psychologically destructive.  I don't doubt that my grandparents and their parents before them, and so on, did the best that they knew how to provide for their children's needs, including emotional ones.  They were good, loving people that just didn't have an understanding of what healthy self-worth was... because it wasn't taught and passed down to them.  And you can't give to others what you, yourself, do not have.  And you also cannot pass along knowledge and wisdom that you never received.  

With my mother's side, it was also a lifestyle, but one born out of alcoholism and addiction.  My mother's needs were neglected all the way around as a foster child.  There were abandonment issues, attachment issues, PTSD, among a laundry list of psychological effects.  But at the core center of it all was codependency from never having an identity and self-worth poured into her as a child.  Her biological mother's alcoholism, itself, was inherited from her father.  But, again, there is really no way of knowing where it began, which ancestor was the first alcoholic to pass on the insidious disease and the creation of its victims.  So, my mom could not possibly teach me about finding my identity as a child because she, herself, never really had one.  It wasn't given because she grew up without her real parents being her "real" parents.  What she had inherited was an orphan spirit with a very huge stronghold in codependency.  

One of the lessons I've had to learn - like Pastor Jakes said in this video clip - was to let go of how I felt people should have been or should be and accept them just as they are.  Accept that I am only going to get five gallons of love out of them (sometimes less) because that is literally all they have to give.  I believe that our capacity to love and receive love greatly depends on our relationship with God and our spiritual maturity level.  And in order to come to this acceptance, I also had to realize that their capacity to love was about them and their relationship with God, not about my worthiness to be loved.  

So, how does a ten gallon bucket, like me, get filled?  

And I will be a father to you, and you shall be sons and daughters to me, says the Lord Almighty.  2 Corinthians 6:18

The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him. Psalm 103:13

See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are!  But the people who belong to this world don't recognize that we are God's children because they don't know him.  1 John 3:1

I give them eternal life, and they will never perish.  No one can snatch them away from me, for my Father has given them to me, and he is more powerful than anyone else.  No one can snatch them from the Father's hand.  The Father and I are one.  John 10:28-30

Jesus replied, "All who love me will do what I say.  My father will love them, and we will come and make our home with each of them."  John 14:23

But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.  Romans 5:8

God's bucket is way bigger than ten gallons.  And the more I draw near to Him, I've found the more He does, indeed, draw near to me, and the more my bucket fills over with living water.  No orphan spirit can stay when you come to the realization that you're wrapped in the arms of a loving, Heavenly Father.

Love in Christ and still striving to be,

Very Kimberly