In my article Refined Not Broken, the Holy Spirit was helping me process the feeling that I was somehow flawed, that there was something wrong with me. I still struggle with that to this day. This type of “broken,” however, that I'm talking about today is the brokenness of the heart over past mistakes. Brokenness of the heart that we inflict on ourselves.
When I came to a place in my healing journey with codependency where I finally started to realize my worth and value as a child of God, I began to experience some very perplexing emotions. This was very surprising to me because I thought since I now know the truth, shouldn't there be this liberating happiness? There wasn't. Instead, there were clear signs of grief.
I began to get angry. I was angry about all of the time I wasted being a doormat and allowing myself to be used. I was angry because if I could shine a light on the inside of me and my children and my niece, our souls would look like ground chuck. And it wasn't deserved and it wasn't our fault.
Then came the bargaining. What if I had done this or that differently? Then the deep, overwhelming sadness. There are so many years I simply can't get back. There are no "do-overs." There is no "try again." What has been done, has been done. Some life choices are permanent, because you can't go back in time and change your mind. It's too late.
English Dictionary Definition of "Regret":
Pain of mind on account of something done or experienced in the past, with a wish that it had been different; a looking back with dissatisfaction or with longing; grief; sorrow; especially, a mourning on account of the loss of some joy, advantage, or satisfaction.
In Greek:
Metamelomai - To regret, repent.
The good news... my grief was actually a sign of my repentance. However, my mind struggled to let go of the past.
The Bible says:
Do not say, "Why were the old days better than these?" For it is not wise to ask such questions. Ecclesiastes 7:10
Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8
Come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces but will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds. Hosea 6:1
If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9
When we repent, and only when we repent, there is hope for our lives here on earth, as well as in eternity. It is good that we regret past mistakes because it reminds us of what not to do. It's a lesson learned. But if we stay too long in the mindset of regret, we lose sight of the hope of our salvation, both in the present and in the future. I, personally, was losing sight of the fact that I had been forgiven by God. That my past sins were "as far as the east is from the west." That the blood of Christ has "removed my transgressions from me." Psalms 103:12
Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. 2 Corinthians 7:10
At the end of godly sorrow, you realize what went wrong, how it was wrong and why it was wrong. It becomes a compass going forward in life. It leaves no regret because Jesus has redeemed us from that state of being. I am not that person anymore. Just like an adult is not the same person they were as a child, I am not the same person because the Lord has helped me to grow and mature. And He continues to do so every day.
When I had repented, it was the enemy's tactic to keep reminding me that my sins deserved punishment... and they did. But what the enemy was also trying to keep me from remembering is that Jesus already endured that punishment for my sins 2,000 years ago. It was finished... 2,000 years ago. Worldly sorrow keeps us in condemnation and shame. Worldly sorrow refuses to acknowledge salvation and redemption by way of Jesus Christ. And it is the path toward unbelief, lack of faith and, ultimately, spiritual death. It is a stronghold that keeps us trapped in a vicious cycle of self-pity in one extreme and self-punishment in the other extreme.
Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:13-14
I had to remember that, although some bad choices in life cannot be undone, that does not mean that the rest of my life cannot be redeemed. Repentance is not a declaration of reaching perfection. But rather, simply a step in the right direction, with the clear understanding that I am utterly dependent upon God's grace to take each new step.
English Dictionary Definition of "Acceptance":
1. The action of consenting to receive or undertake something offered.
2. The action or process of being received as adequate or suitable, typically to be admitted into a group.
In Greek:
"Pros-dekh'-om-ahee." To receive to one's self, to admit, to give access to one's self.
Acceptance in Grief:
When you are finally able to accept what's happened and move on. You accept how the loss has changed your life and you stop wishing to gain back what has been lost.
All of these definitions apply.
What we are accepting first is the forgiveness of God in Christ Jesus. It is a gift, something being offered to us by God. Once we accept that forgiveness, we are received as children of God and have been justified through faith (Romans 5:1). We are "received as adequate or suitable." We are "admitted" into the Kingdom of God.
What we are accepting second is our new selves. Accepting who we are now, not who we were, because that person is gone. We are a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17).
It is then, and only then, that we can take the tragedies in our lives and accept them as testimonies of God's grace and mercy. We accept them as fertilizer the Lord has used to help us grow. And we treasure the person He has created us to be now, looking forward to meeting the person He creates in the future.
Grief is a healthy and important part of healing. And the moving on part begins with the next season... Forgiving myself.
Love in Christ and still striving to be,
Very Kimberly
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