Saving Peter Pan - The Wendy Syndrome

    Most of us have seen the Disney movie, Peter Pan.  Wendy is getting ready for bed with her younger brothers, while their parents are getting ready for a grown-up dinner party.  The children have a dog as their nurse-maid, and some common kid-related mishaps happen which leads their father to get frustrated and angry, ultimately telling Wendy that this would be her last night in the nursery.  Which meant, in Wendy's mind, that night would be her last night to be a child because the next morning, she would have to grow up.  Wendy, as the eldest child, would oftentimes read the adventurous stories of Peter Pan to her little brothers.  And, of course, Peter Pan comes that night, looking for his shadow and whisks Wendy and her brothers off to Neverland for one last, child-like, adventure.  

The Lighter Side of Peter Pan

    I can understand, all too well, what attracted Wendy to Peter Pan.  This teenager—not quite a child, not quite a man—was handsome, fun-loving, hero-like, and had a laid back spirit.  He takes in other, younger, "lost boys," lives off the land, deep in the forest with them, and fights off the dastardly villain, Captain Hook.  

    In the real world, we like to label these men as being "kids at heart," which can actually be a good character trait because they are fun to be around and seem to be great with children.  They have a great sense of humor and make us laugh.  Women who take on the Wendy role (like me), who have an overactive maternal instinct and drive, love to mother these men.  We love to cook their favorite meals and tend to them when they're sick.  

    When matched up with maturity and discernment, these qualities are great character traits for a prospective husband to be the father of our children because they have a unique understanding of how children think.  This enables them to have the potential to be a great leader in the home.  And after being stressed out over the million mom things we do every day, who doesn't want to be whisked off on an adventure every now and then?

    From a spiritual standpoint, the Bible also talks about having child-like faith, coming to the Lord as a child comes to their earthly father (Matthew 18:2-4).  Children also have a keen ability to understand things from a spiritual perspective far deeper than we adults do.  There is an innocent curiosity about the world and how things work, which I believe for me, is at the heart of why I couldn't help falling in love with Peter Pan.  I looked at his child-like quirks as coming from a place of innocence.

The Dark Side of Peter Pan

    We tend to focus on the above traits of this character, but we also tend to ignore some very real red flags.  First of all, Peter Pan has no parents, no authority figure.  No one to tell him or guide him in right and wrong.  Peter Pan is free to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants to.  He does what he thinks is right in his own eyes.  There is no one to hold him accountable if he does wrong, and so there are no real consequences.  And while this may seem okay at first, without guidance or accountability, Peter Pan has the capacity to do some very wrong things and make some serious wrong choices.  One of the reasons why I believe Wendy was drawn to him, though, is because Peter Pan is also a "lost boy."  One of the things Wendy says to Peter Pan before being whisked off is that he and the lost boys needed a mother and Peter Pan agrees.  He says, "You could be our mother."  And side note, you never have to grow up Wendy, but be the grown-up that takes in all the responsibility and accountability in Neverland with us, so that we can still do whatever we want and be kids.  I think Wendy didn't read the fine print.  

    The real Peter Pans of the world are the ones who never take responsibility.  These Peter Pans in real life oftentimes are alcoholics or addicts of some kind.  Their fix is their Neverland.  They will fly off to their Neverland any time real life problems need to be addressed.  They have a difficult time leading any kind of productive life.  And if there is any type of success in life seen from outsiders, you can bet there is a Wendy of some sort in his life, if not several.  Whether that be his mother, sister, girlfriend, wife, etc.  The Wendys that are girlfriends or wives ultimately end up being Peter Pan's foster mother in that we do everything for them that we would do for our kids.  At first, saving Peter Pan seems like an adventure, but at the end of the day, you disappointingly realize this man is only playing house with you.  Real life issues require a real life, grown-up man who will make reasonable, sensible decisions, not only for his own benefit, but for the benefit of his wife and kids, whom, in the eyes of God, are his responsibility to lead.  When I was diagnosed with cancer and there were still more empty beer cans than bills being paid, I realized then that I couldn't save him.  If the threat of losing me didn't make my Peter Pan want to grow up and be responsible, nothing was.  

The Codependent Wendy

    For me, flying off with my Peter Pan resolved two problems:  (1) I could finally let loose and be accepted and loved even if I wasn't being proper and perfect; and (2) I was saving Peter Pan and he would love me because I saved him.  My love would make him want to grow up and be a man that I could grow old with.  Both ways of thinking, however, are rooted in codependency because both reasons are a way to gain love and acceptance to achieve worth and value.  

    The culture we live in makes it very difficult to find worth and value as a person when you're single.  It seems like there is this unwritten false rule that says you are a nobody if somebody doesn't love you.  Our culture also feeds the lie that our souls are incomplete without a mate.  Both are lies and both are not biblical.  Jesus was single and was a very complete person.  The most complete person that ever existed actually.  The apostle Paul also led a single life, and was so fulfilled in his singleness that he wished everyone could experience life this way.  And by believing these lies, we place our value and worth in another person's hands.  The problem is, they did not design us, nor create us in their image.  Their love for us did not exist before time began... that was God.  

    Another lie codependents believe with Peter Pan is that they need us which also creates value and worth.  And as much as it feels good to be needed, Peter Pan is not crippled.  He has the capability to leave Neverland any time he wants.  He chooses to stay a kid forever.  And it's his choice, not Wendy's.  

    Which brings me to this point.  The only one who can save Peter Pan, or anyone else, is Jesus.  John 5:1-8:

Afterward Jesus returned to Jerusalem for one of the Jewish holy days.  Inside the city, near the Sheep Gate, was the pool of Bethesda, with five covered porches.  Crowds of sick people--blind, lame, or paralyzed--lay on the porches.  One of the men lying there had been sick for thirty-eight years.  When Jesus saw him and knew he had been ill for a long time, he asked him, "Would you like to get well?"  "I can't, sir," the sick man said, "for I have no one to put me into the pool when the water bubbles up.  Someone else always gets there ahead of me."  Jesus told him, "Stand up, pick up your mat, and walk!" (NLT)

    Even when this man had no one to help him with a legitimate need, with just one phrase from Jesus, he was healed.  Notice how Jesus asked the man if he wanted to be well and the man responded by saying he did, but he had no one to carry him into the pool.  By Jesus saying "stand up and walk," He was saying the man didn't need someone to carry him into the pool, what the man needed was Him.

    The real way we save Peter Pan is by interceding through prayer and trusting the Holy Spirit to do His work in Peter Pan's heart to heal those wounds that makes him so afraid to grow up.  And if Peter Pan is going to behave like a child, we need to put up healthy boundaries for him like we would a child.  It doesn't mean we don't love them.  It means we love them (and ourselves and our children) too much to condone wrong by enabling.  

    Wendy in the story ultimately decided that she wanted to go home, she was ready to grow up.  Peter Pan took her and her brothers home, but returned to Neverland.  In the real world, these Peter Pans aren't so willing to let their Wendys go.  And when Wendy leaves or kicks him out, like the rebellious child that he is, Peter Pan tries to make her feel like a bad mother for abandoning him, even though she was never his mother to begin with.  

    The only thing this real-life Wendy can do is go on with her life, and keep growing into the person God created her to be.  In faith, standing up, picking up her mat, and trusting God to heal her. 

Love in Christ and still striving to be,

Very Kimberly

  

Great Expectations - The Proverbs 31 Woman

Proverbs 31:10-27:

Who can find a virtuous and capable wife?  She is more precious than rubies.  Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life.  She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.  She finds wool and flax and busily spins it.  She is like a merchant's ship, bringing her food from afar.  She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household and plan the day's work for her servant girls.  She goes to inspect a field and buys it; with her earnings she plants a vineyard.  She is energetic and strong, a hard worker.  She makes sure her dealings are profitable; her lamp burns late into the night.  Her hands are busy spinning thread, her fingers twisting fiber.  She extends a helping hand to the poor and opens her arms to the needy.  She has no fear of winter for her household, for everyone has warm clothes.  She makes her own bedspreads.  She dresses in fine linen and purple gowns.  Her husband is well known in the city gates, where he sits with the other civic leaders.  She makes belted linen garments and sashes to sell to the merchants.  She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.  When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness.  She carefully watches everything in her household and suffers nothing from laziness.  

That's a pretty high standard, isn't it?  And it sounds a lot like our culture's standard for moms in this country.  American moms are expected to do it all and be it all, and we get burned out, because in all honesty, most of these expectations society places on us are unrealistic and humanly impossible to achieve.  However, there are two different ways we can look at this scripture. 

The first way is to look at all the things this woman in Proverbs 31 does.  We all know those moms who seem to have it all together.  You know, the Martha Stewart types.  They literally do it all, seemingly flawlessly.  And so there I go, trying to do it all and be it all, too.  Maybe not as crafty as Martha Stewart, but doing and being it all, nonetheless.  I make my lists, my routines, schedule in time to pee (because ya' know, gotta do the self-care thing), etc., etc.  And at first, I'm, like, rocking it.  I got this, right?  Nope.  Life happens because my kids and everyone else in the universe obviously didn't get my memo on what my life routine is supposed to be.  And I was a legal and/or executive assistant for over twenty years, so I'm a pretty organized person.  But, life... just isn't.  And then comes the discouragement.  The feelings of inadequacy.  Why?  Because I'm not looking at this scripture the way God intended.  I'm looking at the Proverbs 31 woman from a worldly perspective.

In Hebrew culture, this scripture is read during Shabbat.  And during Jesus' ministry, women of that culture set this as a standard.  Luke 10:38-42 is the story of another "Martha":

As Jesus and the disciples continued on their way to Jerusalem, they came to a certain village where a woman named Martha welcomed him into her home.  Her sister, Mary, sat at the Lord's feet, listening to what he taught.  But Martha was distracted by the big dinner she was preparing.  She came to Jesus and said, "Lord, doesn't it seem unfair to you that my sister just sits here while I do all the work?  Tell her to come and help me."  But the Lord said to her, "My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details!  There is only one thing worth being concerned about.  Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her."

Martha, no doubt, felt she was following the Proverbs 31 woman standard, but was also missing the point of that scripture.  Martha's focus was on the things the Proverbs 31 woman did, not why she was doing it in the first place... because she had faith in God and love for her family.  All the tasks, the preparations, the organizing, the fanfare were based on tradition, not so much faith and love.  The Pharisees also placed value and worth based on the law.  Outwardly, they seemingly followed God closely, but Jesus called them snakes because their hearts and intentions didn't match.  We can also learn something from her sister, Mary, too.  She took the time to listen to what Jesus wanted to teach her.  Many, many times when I get discouraged by my ever-growing to-do list, it's because I'm not taking the time to listen to the Holy Spirit to guide me on prioritizing that list.  And I'm not trusting God in those moments in working things out in His time... not mine.  

Another dynamic to this story is that codependents, like me (and quite possibly Martha), place their value and worth based on what we do.  When what we do becomes who we are, and if we don't do it perfectly, then we lose our value as a person.  But Romans 5:6-8 says:

When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners.  Now, most people would not be willing to die for a person who is especially good.  But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.

My value in the eyes of God does not decrease when my to-do list isn't done, or if I don't do things perfectly.  My value is placed in Christ.  

Codependents also tend to focus on what other people think and we assume if we're not "living like Martha," then we will be judged.  But our own standards are more often than not, unrealistic, and no one expects of us what we do ourselves.  

Which brings me to the second, more accurate way, to look at the Proverbs 31 woman.  Instead of seeing what this woman is doing (which is, umm, A LOT), what if we looked at the why?  As I stated earlier, she did these things because she had faith in God and loved her family.  If someone can't sing on key, but loves to sing praises to God, do you think He cares if it sounds like nails on a chalkboard?  No.  To Him, it's beautiful, because it's coming from a heart of love and faith.  And like in the story of Martha and Mary, Jesus cared more about helping them grow spiritually, than what was for dinner or how it was served.  

So now, instead of trying to be like Martha (Stewart or otherwise), when I get overwhelmed by the growing demands of my life, I ask the Holy Spirit to help me prioritize what is truly important.  And if I take a step back to see things the way He sees them, I'm actually not doing that bad.  The good work God is doing in me may not be complete, but it is still good work.

Love in Christ and still striving to be,

Very Kimberly