Proverbs 31:10-27:
Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies. Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She finds wool and flax and busily spins it. She is like a merchant's ship, bringing her food from afar. She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household and plan the day's work for her servant girls. She goes to inspect a field and buys it; with her earnings she plants a vineyard. She is energetic and strong, a hard worker. She makes sure her dealings are profitable; her lamp burns late into the night. Her hands are busy spinning thread, her fingers twisting fiber. She extends a helping hand to the poor and opens her arms to the needy. She has no fear of winter for her household, for everyone has warm clothes. She makes her own bedspreads. She dresses in fine linen and purple gowns. Her husband is well known in the city gates, where he sits with the other civic leaders. She makes belted linen garments and sashes to sell to the merchants. She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness. She carefully watches everything in her household and suffers nothing from laziness.
That's a pretty high standard, isn't it? And it sounds a lot like our culture's standard for moms in this country. American moms are expected to do it all and be it all, and we get burned out, because in all honesty, most of these expectations society places on us are unrealistic and humanly impossible to achieve. However, there are two different ways we can look at this scripture.
The first way is to look at all the things this woman in Proverbs 31 does. We all know those moms who seem to have it all together. You know, the Martha Stewart types. They literally do it all, seemingly flawlessly. And so there I go, trying to do it all and be it all, too. Maybe not as crafty as Martha Stewart, but doing and being it all, nonetheless. I make my lists, my routines, schedule in time to pee (because ya' know, gotta do the self-care thing), etc., etc. And at first, I'm, like, rocking it. I got this, right? Nope. Life happens because my kids and everyone else in the universe obviously didn't get my memo on what my life routine is supposed to be. And I was a legal and/or executive assistant for over twenty years, so I'm a pretty organized person. But, life... just isn't. And then comes the discouragement. The feelings of inadequacy. Why? Because I'm not looking at this scripture the way God intended. I'm looking at the Proverbs 31 woman from a worldly perspective.
In Hebrew culture, this scripture is read during Shabbat. And during Jesus' ministry, women of that culture set this as a standard. Luke 10:38-42 is the story of another "Martha":
As Jesus and the disciples continued on their way to Jerusalem, they came to a certain village where a woman named Martha welcomed him into her home. Her sister, Mary, sat at the Lord's feet, listening to what he taught. But Martha was distracted by the big dinner she was preparing. She came to Jesus and said, "Lord, doesn't it seem unfair to you that my sister just sits here while I do all the work? Tell her to come and help me." But the Lord said to her, "My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her."
Martha, no doubt, felt she was following the Proverbs 31 woman standard, but was also missing the point of that scripture. Martha's focus was on the things the Proverbs 31 woman did, not why she was doing it in the first place... because she had faith in God and love for her family. All the tasks, the preparations, the organizing, the fanfare were based on tradition, not so much faith and love. The Pharisees also placed value and worth based on the law. Outwardly, they seemingly followed God closely, but Jesus called them snakes because their hearts and intentions didn't match. We can also learn something from her sister, Mary, too. She took the time to listen to what Jesus wanted to teach her. Many, many times when I get discouraged by my ever-growing to-do list, it's because I'm not taking the time to listen to the Holy Spirit to guide me on prioritizing that list. And I'm not trusting God in those moments in working things out in His time... not mine.
Another dynamic to this story is that codependents, like me (and quite possibly Martha), place their value and worth based on what we do. When what we do becomes who we are, and if we don't do it perfectly, then we lose our value as a person. But Romans 5:6-8 says:
When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners. Now, most people would not be willing to die for a person who is especially good. But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.
My value in the eyes of God does not decrease when my to-do list isn't done, or if I don't do things perfectly. My value is placed in Christ.
Codependents also tend to focus on what other people think and we assume if we're not "living like Martha," then we will be judged. But our own standards are more often than not, unrealistic, and no one expects of us what we do ourselves.
Which brings me to the second, more accurate way, to look at the Proverbs 31 woman. Instead of seeing what this woman is doing (which is, umm, A LOT), what if we looked at the why? As I stated earlier, she did these things because she had faith in God and loved her family. If someone can't sing on key, but loves to sing praises to God, do you think He cares if it sounds like nails on a chalkboard? No. To Him, it's beautiful, because it's coming from a heart of love and faith. And like in the story of Martha and Mary, Jesus cared more about helping them grow spiritually, than what was for dinner or how it was served.
So now, instead of trying to be like Martha (Stewart or otherwise), when I get overwhelmed by the growing demands of my life, I ask the Holy Spirit to help me prioritize what is truly important. And if I take a step back to see things the way He sees them, I'm actually not doing that bad. The good work God is doing in me may not be complete, but it is still good work.
Love in Christ and still striving to be,
Very Kimberly
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