Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they don't know what they are doing. And the soldiers gambled for his clothes by throwing dice. Luke 23:34
...and forgive us our sins, as we have forgiven those who sin against us. Matthew 6:12
Then Peter came to him and asked, "Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seventy times?" "No, not seven times," Jesus replied, "but seventy times seven!" Matthew 18:21-22
Why is forgiveness so hard? It's especially hard when dealing with people who don't see their hurtful treatment as wrong. Or worse, they don't care if it's wrong because they are numbing their own pain by inflicting pain on you. When you grow up in a codependent world, forgiveness gets distorted to not only excuse sin, but to enable it. The worldview of forgiveness says that the sin is "okay" or permissible. Never in scripture, does God say any sin is okay. However, scripture does say that through Christ, our sins have been forgiven, through our repentance. So, what about when they don't repent? Well, what about when I, myself, struggle with a particular sin? This is the part I get tripped up on.
How the world defines forgiveness and how I believe God defines forgiveness (like everything else) is distorted. There are half-truths the enemy has planted into every thought, just like in the Garden of Eden. Half-truths are still a lie and they still have a mission to destroy.
The Holy Spirit has helped me see that, in order to fully understand forgiveness, I had to take my hurt to God first. Then, I had to understand that my reluctance to forgive was rooted in fear. But there was still something missing.
In Luke 23:34, Jesus asks the Father to forgive those who were literally murdering him on the cross because they didn't understand what they were doing. They lacked spiritual insight. When narcissistic people attack us, they don't understand the wrong in their behavior because they are being demonically influenced. Forgiveness was being offered not as the result of repentance, but so that, in time, the Holy Spirit could work in their lives and hearts towards salvation and repentance.
"You have heard the law that says, 'love your neighbor and hate your enemy'. But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For He gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike". Matthew 5:43-45 (emphasis added)
Forgiveness, whether or not we fully understand it from God's perspective, is a choice. And it's not negotiable. In order to receive the forgiveness of God for our own sins, we must forgive those who have sinned against us. I am no less a sinner than those who sin against me. So, a while ago, whenever the hurt and the fear and then the ultimate anger would creep up inside me every time the memories came flooding back, I would say out loud, "I still choose forgiveness". "It still hurts, it still makes me feel angry inside, but I still choose forgiveness".
But what does this even mean? Does this mean that I go back to the codependent enabling game? No. Forgiveness does not mean that we go back into dysfunctional relationship patterns. It is never God's will for us to remain in a situation where we continually enable a person's sin by a perceived form of forgiveness. God's form of forgiveness is not that type of forgiveness. And see, this is the back and forth between codependent thinking and God's refining way for us to think. What makes it harder is that I had been raised with the false idea of forgiveness/enabling. It's a very hard habit to break.
However, once I looked past the hurt and the fear and the anger, then the Holy Spirit made me realize that healthy boundaries not only protect me from harm, but they also enable me to forgive and move on. Though it's still a work in progress.
When you put up healthy boundaries, you are stopping a person's sin in their tracks from doing any further harm—to you, others, or, more importantly, their own souls. Many times during Jesus' ministry, He gives us examples of how to have healthy boundaries. The Pharisees were constantly harassing Him, and yet, Jesus never faltered in being who He was. His yes was yes and his no was no. And He never condoned their behavior. Jesus called them out many times. His words to them were never to bring them down, but to lift them up by beckoning them to see the truth. And when they refused, He walked away. He continued to do the Father's will and carry out that purpose.
And I dare say, that if and until we establish healthy boundaries by "not putting up with" bad behavior, we cannot come to a place of forgiveness. Forgiveness indicates that the offense is over, it's done. Abusive patterns of behavior are never done until we stop them by removing ourselves as a target. And we remove ourselves as a target in hopes that they will someday, somehow through the Holy Spirit, see what they've done, and repent.
Repentance is a "gift" of the Holy Spirit. Salvation is also a gift—that by grace through faith we are saved. Repentance is supposed to follow. So, the gift of repentance, like salvation, is received by grace through faith, as well. However, this is a personal choice. Just as you can choose to accept the gift of salvation, you can also choose to accept the gift of repentance when the Holy Spirit convicts—though some people choose to reject it. This is why it is so important to pray for the lost and the prodigals. This is also why it is so important for us to pray for our enemies or those who have sinned against us. To me, it truly sheds a new light on why Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they don't know what they are doing". The Holy Spirit is the only one who can soften a person's heart enough for repentance by grace through faith to be received.
Another revelation that the Holy Spirit gave me is that when I forgive someone who is unrepentant, it is simply releasing them from the offense towards me. It's done, it's over... the end. I acknowledge that I am not perfect, either, and therefore, have no right to withhold forgiveness. However, if that person still has the same attitude toward their own sin, this pattern of behavior is sure to continue with other people in their lives. The root of the sin in their heart still remains. This places the issue not between them and me, but between them and a holy and sovereign God. If they refuse to repent, God is true to His Word - justice will be served, either in this life or eternity. Which, again, is why praying for our enemies (unrepentant people who have hurt us) is so important. Narcissistic abuse is a "pattern" of sinful behavior. Alcoholism and addiction creates a narcissistic "pattern" of sinful behavior. Any deep-seeded sin creates a pattern of sinful behavior.
But healthy boundaries say, "You can't hurt me this way anymore. You can't snuff out my light by manipulating me to be someone God did not create me to be." And healthy boundaries also say, "I refuse to be the fuel for your sin against God, and I will not be involved in your bad choices, which will ultimately lead to your eternal death." Then forgiveness says, "Your offenses are no longer about you and I... it's now between you and God. But I pray that you repent, not for my sake, but for yours".
This way of looking at forgiveness removes the victim mentality. It is no longer about me. Their behavior is about them. God's way of forgiveness liberates me from the false codependent guilt and shame that comes from abuse and neglect. And it also prompts me to do something about it by praying for them - not for my own protection out of fear of hurt - but for someone else's soul who is truly lost or misguided.
Forgiveness, like love, is an action word.
Love in Christ and still striving to be,
Very Kimberly