In my last article, I discussed the difference between healthy/righteous anger and unhealthy/sinful anger. One of the steps towards recovering from codependency is realizing that it's okay to have feelings, those feelings are a part of who we are, and it's okay to be who God created us to be.
As a recovering codependent myself, I had no idea what to do with my anger. I had no idea how to process it. So, the previous article is what I, personally, have learned about the root of my anger... hurt. After the Lord helped me name and dissect the hurt, then He led me to the next response to hurt, which is fear. Anger also comes from fear, which comes from hurt. It's the "fight/flight" response in our brains at work. codependents and those who are traumatized without codependent backgrounds are stuck in a perpetual unhealthy mindset of fight/flight.
Side note: codependents are magnets for emotional, mental and sometimes physical trauma because we attract narcissists. And we attract narcissists because codependents struggle to put up or maintain healthy boundaries in order to nurture healthy relationships.
When we get hurt, our brains go, "Oww", and automatically go into either fight or flight mode. If you're like me, sometimes it's a little bit of both or you constantly toggle between the two, and as a result, go into a type of "freeze" mode where you do nothing, until you go back and forth again like a vicious cycle in your mind.
There is a healthy and an unhealthy form of fear. Healthy fear protects us and keeps us safe. Healthy fear guides us to action to preserve. Unhealthy fear, in contrast, either causes us to retreat or run away from responding (flight mode), paralyzes us from responding to the threat of harm (freeze mode, which is where you decide between the two) or causes us to add fuel to the fire by lashing out (fight mode).
For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity (unhealthy fear), but of power, love, and self-discipline (healthy fear). 2 Timothy 1:7 (emphasis added)
I should also mention again that there is an unhealthy/sinful anger response to fear. As I explained in my previous article, this anger response comes from a place of selfishness. So, when people selfishly get angry (simply don't get what they want, etc.), it is also rooted in fear, but aggression of some sort is manifested as the response in order to manipulate the situation to calm the fear, to avoid the hurt.
Sometimes, the fear might not be coming from a bad place, necessarily, but how we respond to the anger it produces can be sinful. The Apostles, James and John, weren't personally "hurt" in Luke 9, but they witnessed Jesus being personally attacked by the Samaritans. They loved the Lord. Jesus was a part of their own hearts. So, by the Samaritans personally attacking Jesus, they themselves also felt the attack. The fear is what triggered the anger response. They were afraid that the Samaritans were going to hurt or offend Jesus with their disrespect, so they went into "fight" mode... and in the wrong way.
In the Amplified Version, Luke 9:54-56 reads like this:
When His disciples James and John saw this, they said, "Lord, do You want us to command fire to come down from heaven and destroy them"? But He turned and rebuked them [and He said, "You do not know what kind of spirit (unhealthy fear) you are; for the Son of Man did not come to destroy men's lives, but to save them"]. And they journeyed on to another village. (emphasis added)
By the brothers responding to their anger in fight mode, they lost sight of the mission. They also didn't take into account the possibility that Jesus wants to win everyone's heart to save them, and as He is patient with us, we should be patient with others. They also didn't wait to see how the Lord responded to see how they should respond. It was a teachable moment, but their fear turned to anger thwarted the lesson a little. I believe that they also stepped on the Lord's toes, trying to fight His battles. When in reality, it's the Lord who fights our battles, not the other way around.
Their response was also rooted in self-worth. The Samaritans were attacking the person of Jesus Christ. They were rejecting Him as Messiah. James and John felt that they needed to defend who Jesus was and His worth. But they really didn't. If you notice, Jesus seems very unaffected by the words and actions of the Samaritans. He walks away. He "journeyed on to another village". Why? Because Jesus knew who He was. There was no questioning His identity as the Son of God. No matter what anyone says or does to us, as children of God, they cannot remove the blood of the cross. Nothing can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus (emphasis added). Romans 8:38-39. And no one can take away the value God sees in us through Him. And when others don't see that worth in us, that is their problem, not ours.
What do codependents fear? Rejection, not being accepted, not being loved, not having value and worth... by other people. We fear these things because they hurt. And somehow have attributed this hurt to our self-worth. And because we have attached the hurt to our self-worth, we sometimes feel the need to defend that worth. But the fact is, we don't have to defend anything. We are who God made and calls us to be... whether people like it or not.
So, what do we do about it? If our brains are hardwired to automatically go into fight/flight mode, then how do we deal with that?
There's another "F" word that applies... Faith. All throughout Jesus' ministry, the topic of fear is addressed and every time, Jesus commands us to respond with faith. All through scripture, both the Old and the New Testaments, God tells us not to fear, but to have faith.
Philippians 4:6-7 - Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (emphasis added)
The enemy uses fear to plant the lie in our minds that he is the one with the power and control. In that way, the enemy tries to steal God's sovereign control over our hearts, our minds and our lives. And because we have free will, if we choose to go along with this lie, it becomes a very scary world, indeed. But when we choose faith over fear (which sometimes takes great effort), what follows is the peace of God. When we choose faith over fear, our hearts and minds are guarded and we have the ability to see things from Jesus' perspective. Once we can see things from His perspective, then we are better equipped to respond to a person's attack in a way that is pleasing to God and will harvest the best results.
The fight/flight response in our brains is normal and natural. God designed us this way to protect and preserve us. With faith in the equation, we can be confident in establishing healthy boundaries in response to the hurt and fear, because that response is coming from a place of power, love, and self-discipline.
Such love has not (unhealthy) fear, because perfect love expels all (unhealthy) fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment (or our worth being taken away), and this shows that we have not fully experienced (or acknowledged) his perfect love. We love each other (by establishing healthy boundaries) because he loved us first. 1 John 4:18-19 [paraphrasing for context added]
God does not want us to avoid or run away from conflict, nor does He want us to add to the conflict by fighting in anger. He wants to teach us how to deal with conflict in love.
I still struggle with fight/flight to this day, and in my weakness, sometimes think it is something that I have to overcome. But the fight/flight going on in my brain isn't the culprit. It's the internal warfare between my spirit and my flesh.
But in faith, I can more than overcome any hurt or any fear, because with God... all things are possible.
Love in Christ and still striving to be,
Very Kimberly
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