Hi there. I'm Kimberly. And I am a codependent. I am currently in therapy for my codependency and, with the help of the Holy Spirit, recovering. If you also struggle with this awful spirit, I invite you to take this journey with me.
I asked Jesus to be the Lord of my life in 1989, when I was 14 years old. At the time that I started writing these blog articles, I was forty-five years old. I am a mother of two young ladies, a son, and an aunt/mom to my niece who is also a young adult now. I'm currently separated from my husband who is a functioning alcoholic. He is alcoholic husband No. 2. My daughters' father was also a functioning alcoholic, though he hid it very well. I'm also a breast cancer survivor.
I had struggled with codependency issues for several years, pretty much my whole life. And through my walk with the Lord, He has brought me to this breaking point where my codependency really needs to be addressed in order for me to grow and mature spiritually. In order to go to the next level in my walk with the Lord. Not to mention ever since cancer, I want so much to live... and live out God's purposes for my life.
But what exactly is codependency? When I was in my early 20's working as a legal secretary and going to college at night, I took this psychology class. I was awesome at it. At that time in my life, I had a good job, an apartment, and my own car. I considered myself to be very independent. I had been raised by two parents who had learning disabilities, so I pretty much knew from a very early age how to take care of myself. At least on the surface of life.
The textbook definition of codependency is:
a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (such as an addiction to alcohol or heroin).
broadly: dependence on the needs of or control by another.
This didn't sound like me at all at that time in my life. However, if you dig deeper into the topic of codependency the above definition doesn't really define it accurately enough. The above definition is what can be the result of a root problem, and the above definition also only gives one example of how this monster rears its ugly head.
Codependency is the false belief that your identity, value, and self-worth comes from others and their acceptance of you. It comes from a non-existent self-esteem. If you are codependent, you have no self-esteem unless you have someone else's love, approval and acceptance. Think "Pathological People Pleasing."
But, how did I become codependent? Well, in one of the books my therapist gave me, the author said that codependency comes from your emotional needs not being met in your childhood. A child's identity, self-worth and value comes from their parents, or the person or people that raised them, adult family members, teachers, etc. You can also become codependent if a parent is also codependent because you see and adopt the same false belief systems about self-worth. My mom was a child of an abusive alcoholic mother. She was also in the foster care system for most of her childhood. Her emotional needs were never met when she was a child. Alcoholic families tend to follow this pattern, and unfortunately, this destructive way of thinking gets passed down.
Both of my parents also had learning disabilities. They were considered "slow." And though my parents were very loving and responsible parents — and they did the best that they could in their own personal circumstances — it was difficult for me to process the fact that I was somehow different. My sister, who is five years younger than me, was considered "very slow." And when she was diagnosed when I was around seven years old, my parents explained to me what being slow was (as they understood it)... and that I was "normal." So, because I was different in my immediate family structure, where was my identity to be found? I couldn't identify with them, because I was the normal one. I wasn't slow like them. And there was no emotional support therapies back then to help me process all of that as a child. At school, I had attention problems. I was a daydreamer. And I had a very stern, non-empathetic teacher for first, second and fourth grade, who treated me as if I was slow. So, if I was the smart one at home and the stupid one at school, where was my value and self-worth as a person coming from? You get the picture. My identity, self-worth, and value came from the acceptance and approval of others in my life. I became a chameleon of sorts. And because there were no health insurance programs for children of parents who worked back then (like what CHIP is today in Pennsylvania, for example), my parents were unable to get me the counseling that I needed. I was a victim of the system back then, you might say.
With adolescence, came peer pressure to look a certain way, act a certain way. At this point, I was an expert at it. But I never felt good enough. I could get compliments and my parents would say how proud they were of me and my accomplishments, but it just didn't seem to register deep enough to fill that void or feel true to me because I didn't know how to love and accept myself, nor did I fully understand exactly who I was in Christ and what my value was in Christ. I knew Jesus loved me from Sunday School and church, but I never came to realize my true identity in Christ as a child of God.
Also with adolescence and peer pressure, I thought having a boyfriend would give me value. It never did. But the pattern of seeking my own value through relationships and other people continued. Several boyfriends, some abusive, some neglectful, some whom I probably unknowingly chased away with my non-existent self-esteem, closet alcoholic husband No. 1, free falling alcoholic husband No. 2, later... I ended up at an all-time low in my life.
Then, in the spring of 2018, I got the worst, most devastating news a woman could possibly get... I had breast cancer. First found in one breast, then the other one. They ran blood tests to see if I had any genetic markers since my paternal grandmother also had breast cancer. I tested positive for BRCA1, which is the genetic marker for both breast and ovarian cancer. This meant the best chance at survival was a double mastectomy and a special cocktail of chemotherapy for eight months, followed by a complete hysterectomy.
But, see, here's the thing... that diagnosis actually brought me to a place with God where most of my inner healing began to take place. That diagnosis changed my entire outlook on life and eternity, on people, on myself and my true purposes in this world. That diagnosis made me realize that unless I did the work necessary to allow God to heal me on the inside, I was never going to survive what my thoughts and emotions were doing to my body on the outside. And since I had been victimized for so many years by this demon called codependency, tearing me apart, piece by piece on a mental and spiritual level (which are connected, by the way), my body was affected because it is ALSO CONNECTED.
But some people might say, "Yeah, well, you had the genetic marker. You were going to get it anyway. How do your thought patterns affect your body?" I believe scientists and "experts" focus on the physical and neglect to consider that human beings are spiritual beings in physical form. And our spirits, our minds and our bodies are connected. I have a lot of the same traits as my mom and paternal grandmother, both good and bad. Generational curses or strongholds aren't some voo-doo a witch performed on your ancestor. They are the false and destructive thought patterns that are contrary to the Word concerning our worth and God's divine will for our lives.
Codependency is a mental health pandemic and it keeps Christians from experiencing true healing, and we miss out on what it truly means to live the abundant life in Christ.
My hope is that there are other Christians out there who could be helped in their recovery from codependency by this living testimony of a blog.
Love in Christ and always striving to be...
Very Kimberly
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