Triggers

I want to share with you a particular codependent trait I have been struggling with recently.  The fear of rejection.  

Somewhere in the codependent's past, usually in childhood, there was a deep, emotionally scarring rejection.  One of the reasons why codependents try so hard to please people is because of this fear.  Rejection hurts. Some codependents never really experienced true unconditional love as a child.  Therefore, receiving love is based on making the other person happy.  Sometimes it's based on performance - whether you're a "good girl" or not, get good grades, how successful you are, etc.

For me, though, the origins of my codependency is a little complicated and unique (like me).  As a child of two parents with learning disabilities, I don't believe for one second that they ever meant to make me feel unloved, or not accepted just as I am.  I don't believe they ever meant to make me feel rejected.  However, because of their own past upbringings, and lack of support, in many ways, they did.  I do believe my parents loved me unconditionally — I just didn't feel unconditionally loved for various reasons growing up.  Codependents also have this habit of continuously finding themselves in abusive relationships.  It could be a romantic relationship, a relationship with a parent, friend, doesn't matter.  Because codependents give and give and give, we're like narcissist magnets, because they take and take and take.  And the more codependents try to avoid that feared rejection from their narcissist counterparts, the more we get ultimately rejected.  That's how they keep us on a string.  They make us feel just a little not rejected so we keep trying and keep giving that supply.

So, what makes me feel rejected?  Being different.  Being different makes me feel rejected, so for most of my life, I have tried to be like whichever person I happened to be around at the time.  This is where the chameleon part comes out, and again, I was very, very good at it.  The problem was, I wasn't being authentic.  Not only did I deny my identity in Christ, I allowed others to bully me into hiding it.  I couldn't be an effective witness for Jesus, if I wasn't being the person He created me to be.

And lately, the Lord has really been honing in on this aspect of my codependency.  As humans, we need connection with other humans.  The problem for me is that I'm struggling to make those connections as just me, because I am so different and my life circumstances are so different.  If I am around other people who are accepting, then I have an easier time being myself.  But if I'm not sure if that person is going to be accepting of me, especially when it comes to me being different, I have this kind of anxiety attack on the inside.  And I feel compelled to explain myself all the time, because I don't think they will understand, or worse, reject me.  

One of the ways that I am different is that I am a special needs mom.  My oldest daughter and my son (my youngest child) have autism.  

This past Sunday, I was very much looking forward to reconnecting to my church family.  I was looking forward to both the fellowship and the worship and practicing my faith.  However, my son was having some sensory issues as well as your typical "I don't feel like being here because I'm bored" issues.  So, I had to deal with these issues in the lobby and missed out on the first part of the service.  I felt compelled to explain to my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ what was going on because they wanted to help, but really, there wasn't anything anyone but me could do at that point.  

Now before I go any further, I just want to say that I do feel honored to be a special needs mom.  It is a mission and purpose God specifically gave to me; and he heavily equipped me for it by creating me through special needs parents.  It gave me an insight into my kids’ needs that I don't think a lot of parents have.  It also gives me an opportunity to help other parents of special needs kiddos by sharing those insights.  

But I'm going to be honest and confess.  I didn't FEEL honored at that moment.  It didn't FEEL like an opportunity.  I looked into that sanctuary and what I did feel was different.  So, my first instinctive, reflex emotional response was to feel isolated and alone because of my difference.  I wasn't angry with my son, I knew it wasn't his fault.  And the thing is, I also didn't feel rejected by my brothers and sisters in the church.  They were very understanding and compassionate about it all.  But that anxiety attack still came.  I even felt compelled to text a friend from church because my anxiety attack made me think that I was coming across as being short.  She reassured me that I wasn't and that she understood.  

But later on that night, as I was driving to the babysitters to pick up my son after work, I started to pray about it.  What I was feeling was so perplexing to me, I didn't really know what to say or where to start with it all. So, I asked the Holy Spirit to help me piece it together.  There was something that wasn't quite connecting in my brain.

Later that night, after my son had fallen asleep, I started trying to connect the dots, again, as to why I had this emotional response because logically, it made no sense.  The Holy Spirit had already begun explaining why I was feeling that way.  It was a reflex emotional response.  I don't like using the word "triggered," but I think it's pretty much the same thing.  Because I had felt rejected so many times for being different, it had become a reflex to emotionally respond that way, even though there was really no threat of being rejected at that moment.  But God wanted me to dig deeper into the “why” question, because there was another root, spiritual issue... a lie.  You see, with each rejection in my life, Satan used it to plant a lie in my mind and my heart.  And that lie was that if I was different, in any way, that meant that I didn't belong.  And in a way, it wasn't about anyone else rejecting me... it was about me rejecting myself.  

I heard a pastor on the radio the day before (not so coincidentally I believe) that spoke about how the body of Christ has many different parts and one part shouldn't compare itself to the other ones.  

1 Corinthians 12:14-27 says:

Yes, the body has many different parts, not just one part. If the foot says, “I am not a part of the body because I am not a hand,” that does not make it any less a part of the body.  And if the ear says, “I am not part of the body because I am not an eye,” would that make it any less a part of the body?  If the whole body were an eye, how would you hear? Or if your whole body were an ear, how would you smell anything?

But our bodies have many parts, and God has put each part just where he wants it.  How strange a body would be if it had only one part!  Yes, there are many parts, but only one body.  The eye can never say to the hand, “I don’t need you.” The head can’t say to the feet, “I don’t need you.”

In fact, some parts of the body that seem weakest and least important are actually the most necessary.  And the parts we regard as less honorable are those we clothe with the greatest care. So we carefully protect those parts that should not be seen, while the more honorable parts do not require this special care. So God has put the body together such that extra honor and care are given to those parts that have less dignity.  This makes for harmony among the members, so that all the members care for each other.  If one part suffers, all the parts suffer with it, and if one part is honored, all the parts are glad.

All of you together are Christ’s body, and each of you is a part of it.

We all have a part to play in this world today... Even me in all my "differentness."  

So, at the very core of my fear of rejection is this lie.  And I had to and have to continuously reject it.  Outwardly, speaking it out loud.  I reject this lie that I don't belong because I am different.  And each time I am faced with being different, I need to embrace that difference and believe God's truth about the matter, outwardly, speaking it out loud.  I am a part of the body of Christ.  God made me different because I have very unique purposes.  A navy seal is still a part of the navy, still part of the military.  They are trained differently, having to endure more challenging drills than regular naval officers, but it doesn't mean they don't belong.  They very much belong... and so do I.

Love in Christ and continuously striving to be,

Very Kimberly