My mom was a child of an alcoholic. Her mother (the alcoholic) was also a child of an alcoholic (her father). My mom's maternal uncle was also an alcoholic. My mom and her two younger siblings ended up in the foster care system. In the alcoholic family dynamic, there is usually a shy, quiet, passive one. That was my mom. She was very loving, compassionate, and giving. And though these are godly traits, I believe the enemy exploited them.
Another way codependency is passed on to the next generation is when a child's emotional needs are simply not met. A child gets their sense of identity from their parents and/or caregivers. When the sense of identity and worth are not established in childhood (especially one not rooted in Christ), that child grows up seeking that identity and worth from the world around them. Children who are placed in foster care inevitably inherit an orphan spirit. The orphan spirit is a demon spirit sent by the enemy. The victims of this spirit are people (mostly children) who have experienced abandonment, neglect and/or worse. In her teen years, Mom ended up with very good, godly foster parents, who led her to the Lord. I would grow up to know them as my grandparents. And though I believe their influence in her life did make a huge difference, the seed of codependency through the orphan spirit is very hard to even pinpoint, let alone conquer. Codependency wasn't as huge of a topic back then, and considering that it took me forty-five years to discover what exactly this thing was that was plaguing me, I realize there literally were no resources for Mom in her day.
Mom tried very hard to raise me to be independent. To be the opposite of how she saw herself. And even though she was successful in the worldly sense of the word "independent," the model of codependency was already established. To say, "Do as I say and not as I do," never works. The child only knows what they are shown.
All human beings need to have a sense of identity. God created us that way. He created us in His image. We've always had an identity, it just gets misplaced in our minds/souls because of sin. We've forgotten who we are. The world at large is lost.
The Orphan Spirit Twists "Putting Others First"
One of the things that I remember Mom always saying was, "always put others first." This is coming from Philippians 2:3-4:
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
However, where this gets taken too far in codependency, is when we allow people to treat us as doormats and we (or they) justify it with this scripture. This scripture really, really gets put out of context when we're dealing with someone else's sin. And because codependents do not have any idea what healthy boundaries are, we get stuck feeling like it is God's will for us to put up with mistreatment. But, Galations 6:1-2 says:
Brothers if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness (healthy boundaries). Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. [emphasis for context added]
Scripture also teaches us to love others as we love ourselves.
And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength. The second is equally important: Love your neighbor as yourself. No other commandment is greater than these. Mark 12:30-31
Notice the first commandment is to love God. When you realize your identity, who you are, is connected to a relationship with God through Christ, and you begin to nurture that relationship with "all your heart, soul, mind and strength," you can then start to love and respect yourself as a true child of God. And once you see yourself as He sees you, receiving that agape love, you can then extend that same love towards others. We love God because He first loved us. We also love others the same way because He loved them first, as well, and that love lives in us through the Holy Spirit. Thinking of others above ourselves isn't about loving ourselves less. It's about also seeing others the way that God sees them.
The Dance of Enabling
There is a huge discernment error in putting someone's wants ahead of our needs, especially when that person's wants are, in fact, rooted in selfishness and sin. When we do that, it becomes the dance of enabling. See, these scriptures go both ways. Knowing that the "wages of sin is death," knowing that a person is in spiritual danger, it is our responsibility to gently, with healthy boundaries, hold them accountable. To speak "the truth in love." (Ephesians 4:15) We hold them accountable because we love them as we love ourselves. But, if we do not love ourselves, if we do not have that self-esteem in Christ, it becomes very easy for that orphan spirit to twist scripture, making us believe that we are helping. When the truth is, we are just sitting on the sidelines, watching them commit spiritual suicide. This leads to anger, anxiety and resentment. It trips us up into our own sin, which is why Galations 6:1-2 says, ...Keep watch on yourselves, lest you too be tempted. We also get trapped in the lie that we are "saving" them. The only One who can save anyone from themselves is Jesus.
What I have, personally, struggled with is the fact that by someone mistreating me, they were, in fact, sinning. Not just against me, but against God.
And the King will say, 'I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!' Matthew 25:40
When we forgive those who have wronged us (as we are commanded to do), we let go of the sin against us, personally. It's not about their offense toward us any longer. It now becomes about their offense to God. But because of the orphan spirit, I struggled with the fact that God is, indeed, offended when others mistreat me. He is offended because I am His child and He loves me. The orphan spirit tries very hard to convince us that we are not as loved as we really are by God. And when we believe this lie, we lose our perspective of who we really are. And when we don't know who we are, we become easy prey for those who would have us feed their sin by enabling them.
Codependents are notorious for attracting other damaged souls—other codependents. Oftentimes, we attract narcissists, who are severely codependent. And when we see anyone that we sense has the same void in their heart, that same longing to be unconditionally loved and accepted, then healthy boundaries (even if we know what they are) become extremely difficult because we are trying to fill that void for them. Why? Because we know that pain. And our codependent brains think that we are providing for an emotional need. Codependents believe that everyone else's feelings are their responsibility, which is false, especially in light of standing up to another's sin. Our hearts go out to others who are also dealing with an orphan spirit.
Compassion, With Boundaries
And while compassion for others is a fruit of the Holy Spirit, what He is teaching me is that healthy boundaries are not, in fact, the absence of compassion. If I am setting up boundaries that not only protect myself (out of self-respect and love), but to keep that person from offending God further in that way for their own good, I am loving them as myself. I am also removing myself from being entangled in their sin. By not setting boundaries, the dance of enabling just continues, causing more and more suffering and destruction, not only to the sinner, but the victim and also any children involved. God's Word warns us over and over again not to partake and have nothing to do with someone else's sin—even if that sin is against us. God's Word enables us to stand up and say "enough.” Not out of anger or hurt or fear... but speaking the truth in love. Enforcing healthy boundaries... in love.
The orphan spirit, however, wants us to believe that we are all alone in this world. When people mistreat us, it becomes about us, it becomes about their lack of that agape love for us. And it hurts—a lot. Especially for someone struggling with an orphan spirit and codependency. The orphan spirit then wants us to believe that in order to keep that void filled, we have no choice but to keep enabling. Otherwise, we will be left alone all over again.
Nothing could be further from the truth in God's Word. We are adopted children of God, by a loving, doting, committed Heavenly Father. He may have boundaries for our words and behaviors, but His love for us has no boundaries.
So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God's Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, "Abba, Father." For his Spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God's children. And since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God's glory. But if we are to share his glory, we also share his suffering. Romans 8:15-16
And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, nor angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39
Mom wanted me to be the strong, independent woman she always wanted to be. But what she didn't realize is that by allowing God's strength to manifest in my weakness, by being completely and utterly dependent on His grace, I am becoming so, so much more.
Love in Christ and still striving to be,
Very Kimberly
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