One of the biggest fears that codependents have is being alone. The fear of being alone is what I believe led me, personally, down a very dark and desperate path of destruction by continuing to get involved with any man that would have me. And I was willing to put up with all kinds of horrendous treatment and abuse simply because the alternative was being alone. Somehow the world seems to label those who are alone and single as outcasts, as well, which just further pushes the false, unspoken rule that you are incomplete as a person unless you are in a relationship. As if everyone on this earth is only half of a whole person, instead of two whole people that make one unit.
But the irony is that, eventually, I could be in an environment full of friendly, happy people and I still felt alone. I still felt lonely. And once you settle for whoever is willing to have you, the truth is loneliness isn't far behind. Especially if you are pretending to be someone you aren't just to keep that person (or anyone else) in your life happy at all costs to avoid being alone. So, the culprit spirit I want to talk about today that has fed my codependency is Mr. Loneliness.
I remember my therapist asking me why I thought that I had fallen (yet again) into another codependent relationship with another Peter Pan/alcoholic - even when I knew better. My answer was loneliness. I struggle with loneliness even to this day, though I'll admit, it's significantly easier this time around because I continuously run to the Holy Spirit and lean on God for His strength. One day in particular, I remember thinking about Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane, knowing what was about to happen, and yet his disciples could not quite grasp or understand at the time. When people don't understand or "get" us, we as humans, tend to feel alienated and alone. Jesus also had THE most important mission in this world - but nobody during his earthly life and ministry understood completely until after his resurrection. So, the thought/prayer in my head, as I meditated on this was, "Lord, Jesus, did you also feel lonely? Didn't this make you feel alone?" And the thought/question didn't even finish in my head and the Lord was quick with His reply... "No, I was not alone. The Father was with me. And I am with you through the Holy Spirit just as the Father was with me."
It is a natural, normal thing to desire companionship. We were designed to have relationships. But what happens in codependency is when that desire for human relationships overshadows the relationship (the most important relationship) that we already have - with God, through and with Jesus Christ. What spawns this is a lack of healthy relationships in our childhood and a lack of examples of what healthy relationships even look like. If one (or both) of your parents were codependent, it will get passed down, unless and until a truly healthy relationship example is taught and shown. The Bible gives us examples and Jesus teaches us what relationships with others are supposed to be. When you don't have healthy relationships or know how they work, then you will always have this void. What we as humans really desire are healthy relationships, not just relationships themselves. The problem is, though, that we've never been taught or shown how to have them. And to make matters worse, we are attracted and I think actually seek out unhealthy people in our lives because it's all we've ever known.
The first step in correcting this pattern is having a healthy relationship with God. From that knowledge, we can have a healthy relationship with ourselves. And from that knowledge, we can have healthy relationships with others. In codependency, however, these steps are in reverse order. We seek and find relationships with others and most of our time, energy and resources go into that person or people in our lives. We put ourselves second only because we know that if we neglect ourselves totally, then we won't be able to take care of everyone else (another topic for another day). God becomes less and less of a priority as a result. We lose focus - prayer and reading God's Word (our soul's "food") becomes another to-do on our list. Being a Christian becomes a chore. Then, because our souls are malnourished, we lose sight and understanding of who God really is and who we really are in Him.
When we begin to refocus and switch these steps in their proper order, it is uncomfortable at first because human relationships (healthy relationships with healthy people) are still missing. Our hearts still yearn for it. And the enemy is sure to attempt to convince us that God is withholding, or that the reason why we don't have healthy relationships is because we are flawed and/or undeserving. IT'S A LIE. THEY'RE LIES—ALL OF IT.
Matthew 5:4 says:
God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted. (NLT) (emphasis added)
Mourning is a time of sadness because of a loss. It is an expression of grief. When emotional or other needs are not being met or withheld in our human relationships, we have a sense of loss, especially when a person we thought loved and cared about us behaves in opposite ways. When we finally realize that love, through the lens of codependency, isn't love at all, we feel like we've been robbed, cheated - and we have. But God meets us there and comforts us because He is different and He knows how to truly love.
And for those of us who have grieved and mourned this type of loss, we are blessed. Why? Because it is an opportunity to have that deep, meaningful, healthy relationship with God. He tends to our heart wounds. He counsels us. He increases our faith. When no other human understands or "gets" us, He does. When no other human seems to really care, He does. Like the lion He is, Jesus ferociously fights for us, through us, with us. Like the lamb that He is, all battles have been won in victory over 2,000 years ago by His sacrifice. When God is all you have, you have all that you could ever need.
But only the lonely get to be this "blessed." Only the lonely get this special comfort from the Lord. And at the end of the day, we who are comforted by God finally understand that we are never, ever... alone.
Love in Christ and still striving to be,
Very Kimberly
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