Elephants are magnificent creatures. They are strong, intelligent, gentle giants. Without human manipulation and weaponry, a wild elephant could very easily kill a man. Domesticated, circus elephants, however, are a different story. Ever wonder how they train elephants to submit to their commands to do unbelievable acts in a circus? Well, it starts when they're babies. These baby elephants have one of their legs tied down with a small, thin rope. The rope is thin because that is all that is required when they are small. The baby elephant struggles to break free at first, but then realizes it's of no use. As the baby elephant grows older and bigger, a small rope is still only required because the elephant remembers and thinks it can't break the rope. Some baby elephants are abusively trained in that they are poked, prodded and beaten to compliance. But this is all the elephant knows. The elephant has grown to learn that in order to survive, it must go with the flow in its world.
The enemy manifests and uses dysfunction, trauma and/or abuse in our lives very similarly. He also uses the common thought patterns in this world which he, himself, created. The enemy paints us a picture of who he wants us to think we are through the words and actions of the people throughout our lives. The more the world gives us the same messages about ourselves, the harder it gets to fight them off in our minds, and eventually we adopt these same opinions about ourselves.
Some baby elephants were denied food for a time so that it would learn to comply by way of getting basic needs met. Similarly, the enemy robs and steals from our lives in various ways to make us feel as though God must be punishing us for no reason. Because you see, the enemy's agenda has always been the same... to distort the image of who God really is. And if he can get us to believe that distorted image of God, he can get us to believe the distorted image of ourselves, as well. But bad things don't happen because God is not good, they happen in rebellion of that goodness.
The key step in my recovery journey, I believe, is fully knowing exactly who I am in Christ. But better yet, I need to understand exactly who I am not. When the codependent tendencies creep up, I can tell you I'm not being the real me. But in order to thwart the codependency, I have to be okay with whatever response I get from me actually being myself. When you're in abusive relationships, codependency becomes a way to survive in the world. In order to have that human companionship, the enemy used my past abusers to try and turn me into this circus performer out in the world while denying my true self.
So, the question becomes who am I not?
The opinions of others are NOT the real me.
The acceptance or rejection of others is NOT the real me.
A person's reaction or response to me, positive or negative, is NOT the real me.
Whether a person likes or loves me (or not), is NOT the real me.
My mistakes and failures are NOT the real me.
My successes and accomplishments are NOT the real me.
My likes and dislikes are only a part of me, NOT the complete, real, me.
My hopes and dreams are only a part of me, NOT the complete, real, me.
And my opinions and views of the world are forever evolving, so they are NOT the real me.
When you are codependent, the thoughts and feelings of others become the rope, and the actions (or inactions) of abusers become the whip by which we curtail how we "perform" around them. And, just like the circus elephant, it eventually didn't matter who it was. It didn't matter if the person was abusive or not, I would perform whatever role or personality made me feel safe from emotional harm.
But see, when you finally come to the realization that this way you have been is not, in fact, the real you, then you're left with a void of sorts because you don't really know who you are. I had been performing for so long, I had no idea who I was, even as a Christian.
And then I started looking upward to find my identity, instead of looking outward. And the Holy Spirit keeps reminding me again and again that recovering from codependency starts with realizing that identity in Christ.
But, who is this person in Christ?
I am a new creation. 2 Corinthians 5:17
I am a child of God. Galatians 3:26
I have been made wonderfully complex. Psalms 139:14
I am precious to God who created me. Isaiah 43:4
I am an heir of God, which also means that when I innocently suffer in this world, it's a reflection of the rebellion against His Spirit who is good in me. Romans 8:17
I do not have a spirit of fear, but of power and love and self-control. 2 Timothy 1:7
I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus. 2 Corinthians 5:21
I am not perfect, but God's not done with me yet. Philippians 1:6
I am refining into the spitting spiritual image of my savior, Jesus. 2 Corinthians 3:18
I am the salt of the earth, a light to the world. Matthew 5:13-16
I am more than an overcomer through Him who loves me. Romans 8:37
And this is just some of the descriptions of who God says that I am.
The main purpose behind domesticating an elephant (or any animal) is breaking their spirit. Why? Because their spirit is who they really are... who they are naturally. As Christians, our spirits are born again through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. And the good news is that our spirits aren't broken - they're simply bound in our minds.
So, what if, through spiritual growth and understanding, this rope of codependency isn't as binding as I thought? What if I keep untangling these knotted ropes of lies the enemy has been making me believe about myself by trusting the One who actually created me?
I would be free.
Love in Christ and still striving to be,
Very Kimberly
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